Random Jack (The Zombie Meme)

There's an awesome Zombie-Meme going around, but every time I try to think of a response, I blank. So I'm going to use it as fuel for today's Random Jack (I want to try to make this a personal Friday tradition).

You are in a mall when the zombies attack. You have:
1. one weapon.
2. one song blasting on the speakers.
3. one famous person to fight alongside you.


"As far as zombie's go," Ianto said calmly, helping Jack lift the long wooden seat and use it to barricade the pub's door, "I'll accept Owen but that's where I draw the line."

"They're not zombies," Jack muttered, giving the seat a final shove. When he looked over, Ianto was staring at him, one eyebrow raised in patient disbelief. "They're not."

"They're reanimated corpses stumbling around trying to crack open the skulls of the living."

"It's mindless violence against all breathing creatures. They don't want to eat your brains."

"Oh," Ianto said dryly. "I see how that makes all the difference."

There was banging at the door, the thumping sound of arms and fists hitting wood. Jack leaned back on the seat, using his weight to brace it. "It's a simple application of nano-technology to move and control inanimate organic matter. Add some dubious programming and you have the perfect weapon. Drop the capsule on your enemies and ta-da: high damage on their side, no casualties on yours."

"Excuse me if I find it hard to appreciate the military brilliance while they're trying to pull down the door," Ianto said, worriedly looking around at the high windows.

Jack reached over, grabbed Ianto's hand and pulled him down. He landed on the with a slight thud, half on the seat and half on Jack's lap. Jack didn't mind at all. "They're moving but not really thinking. They won't think of the windows. They won't even think of opening the door handle. They'll just crowd around the doorway until the residual energy wears out."

"How long until their batteries go flat and we're left with a stack of corpses?"

Jack checked his wrist strap. Then he sighed. "Tosh is jamming the signal, but we'll probably be stuck here for another two hours."

Ianto nodded. "You, me, down the local pub. It'd be a date, if not for the hoard of ravenous zombies waiting outside."

"They're not zombies." Jack wrapped a hand around Ianto's waist, tugging him all the way onto Jack's lap. Glancing at the jukebox in the corner, Jack pressed a few buttons on his wrist strap and smugly watched it light up.

Then Kylie Minogue started singing that she should be so lucky.

Jack grimaced. "That wasn't the mood music I was looking for."

Hiding a laugh against Jack's collar, Ianto shook his head. "Zombies and romance. Only you, Jack."