out_there: B-Day Present '05 (Lost Casey)
[personal profile] out_there
Title: I Want You to Know
Author: [livejournal.com profile] out_there
Fandom: West Wing
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I think that deep-down, Josh Lyman still belongs to his mom Sorkin. Certainly doesn't belong to me.
Summary: The things Josh wants to say at Christmas.

Notes: Written for [livejournal.com profile] musesfool as part of the "Isn't It Iconic?" Ficlet-A-Thon. It's over the word count but it's also based on both icons, so I figure it all evens out in the end. Smooches to [livejournal.com profile] oxoniensis for an emergency beta. (Thanks, babe!)



::


I Want You to Know

It's Christmas again and Josh wants to say that Christmas comes every year. It comes whether you want it to or not. It comes regardless of who is in the White House, or which factions are fighting.

It comes every year, and every year she watches him.

Josh understands her watching him; she does it all the time. She has to, just to keep up with him.

But it's different at Christmas.

It's the quick, sharp glances at his hand that bother him. The way she cocks her head at Christmas carols, the way her lips purse when he tells her get out of his hair. The way she doesn't mock him, not quite as much. Everything about her says, 'I'm watching you. I care.' It's in her narrowed eyes, and tense shoulders. In the way she screens his calls a little more carefully over the holiday season. It screams, 'I won't let you fall apart.'

And he feels annoyed and selfish and frustrated. Lots of words that are just synonyms for angry. That's what Christmas feels like: anger.

(Not Hanukah, because that's something he still celebrates. That's going home to his Mom, and lighting candles, and telling stories about Dad and Joanie. That's remembering who he is, and where he comes from. It's something that makes him smile and ache, in the sweetest of ways.)

But Christmas… Christmas is something different.

Christmas is loud carols, and busy shoppers, and the huge tree in the lobby. Christmas is something other people celebrate and he just wishes were over. He feels like Scrooge, but he just wishes it was January already; wishes he could start the new year now, while he still has this frustrated, nervous energy flooding his system.

Christmas, and everything that goes along with it, irritates him in too many ways to name. It's Donna's sharp looks, and Toby's grumpy version of cheer. It's Sam's perfunctory Christmas card, signed 'Sam Seaborn' as if Josh wouldn't recognise Sam's neat, childish script. It's CJ fussing over turkeys, and Will grinning at the decorations. It's Bartlet's speeches about cooking and gifts that no one will ever use.

The only one who seems to understand is Leo. Leo who doesn't like Christmas because Mallory spends it with Jenny; because it's a reminder that while Leo was living for his job, the rest of his family went on with their lives. Leo understands Josh's wish for the new year; understands how irritating it is to have everyone else distracted by shiny gift paper and twinkling lights when there are still things to be done.

Leo understands, but Josh still catches his gaze sliding to Josh's hand. And every time it does, Josh shifts the papers in his arms or hides his hand in his pocket. Keeps the scars out of sight.

There's part of Josh that doesn't want to hide them. He wants to hold out his hand, palm up, and force everyone to look at the spider's web of silver lines. Wants to shout, "This is who I am!" and "This is what I've done!" Wants them to know the wounds are self-inflicted. He wants them to know he did it once, just once, and almost got away with it. Wants to tell them to stop watching, because he's in control and he's not going to do it again.

(But if he did, he'd be smarter. This time he wouldn't screw up so obviously; this time they wouldn't notice it, regardless of how closely they watched. This time he'd keep control.)

Before the words even reach his tongue, he knows it's a lie.

Knows that if he were in control, his palm wouldn't be dissected by faint scars. Knows that if he did it again, they'd notice. Not because they watch him like hawks over the holiday season, but because they're smart people. Because they care in a way that's frustrating and annoying and embarrassing, but it's genuine.

It doesn't make him hate Christmas any less, but it makes him ignore the sharp glances, makes him hold back his own bile. It makes him force a grin on his face and ask Donna about her Christmas plans. And when she asks about Christmas, he doesn't say he hates it, he doesn't say it's an over-commercialised, harsh, horrible public holiday. Instead, he tells her about Hanukah, about his Mom's cooking and the decorations that she's had for years and will never throw out.

She reminds him of his Mom's new address, and he agrees when she says, "Home is where the heart is."

"Home is with the people who love you," he replies. He doesn't say that for the other eleven and a half months, home is here. With her.

But she watches him and smiles softly, and he thinks that she knows that already.

The End.



As always, feedback stops me from becoming Scrooge.

Date: 2004-04-29 06:26 pm (UTC)
ext_1310: (donna)
From: [identity profile] musesfool.livejournal.com
Oh, I like that a lot. Poor Josh - everybody eyeing him askance and worrying. And then the holidays on top of it.

Lovely. Thank you so much.

Date: 2004-04-29 07:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] out-there.livejournal.com
Thank you, I'm glad you liked it. Meanwhile, I'm still totally amused that we both wrote Josh pieces for this challenge. It's just... an interesting coincidence, I guess. *g*

Date: 2004-05-01 05:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] skywaterblue.livejournal.com
Crazy!Josh makes me happy. Mmm, hating being treated like a china doll, and I love the little part where he thinks maybe he could get away with it again... except no, no...

Date: 2004-05-01 05:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] out-there.livejournal.com
Btw, nice icon!

Crazy!Josh makes me happy.

*snerk* He makes me sniffle like a little girl, but whatever floats your boat! *g*

Mmm, hating being treated like a china doll, and I love the little part where he thinks maybe he could get away with it again... except no, no...

I could just imagine Josh wanting that extra layer of control, but intellectually knowing it was a bad idea. Being just self-aware enough to know that he considers these thing, but not letting anyone around him know that he does.

Date: 2004-05-01 05:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] skywaterblue.livejournal.com
I think I like it because you know, so few characters in fandom are as certifiable as Josh Lyman while remaining the good guy. Mad pride, yo, mad pride. Because I'm lame enough to think it would be kinda cool to chat with Josh about meds and this year's therapist, although I'd have to cosset him with alcohol before he opened up.

Well, yeah-- I think he kind of has a love affair with his own illness, too. At the very least, he seems just self-aware enough to know that normal people don't act that way, but blaise enough not to really care.

Date: 2004-05-01 05:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] skywaterblue.livejournal.com
Oh, and [livejournal.com profile] biginjapan made this icon.

Date: 2004-05-01 06:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] out-there.livejournal.com
I think he kind of has a love affair with his own illness, too

Oh, that's a delightful way of phrasing it. He totally does. There is an awareness not just that he's different, but there is an almost nuturing of it, of the ways that he isn't just one of the crowd.

Date: 2004-05-01 06:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] skywaterblue.livejournal.com
It's not all that uncommon, actually. I shouldn't speak for the entirety of people with mental illness, but I'd say that's more common than not. I rather like this about him, although in real life it can get fucking obnoxious and fast.

Date: 2004-05-01 06:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] out-there.livejournal.com
I rather like this about him, although in real life it can get fucking obnoxious and fast.

In real life? Josh would not be charming so much as irritating as hell. I mean, really, it's his middle name. (Joshua Obnoxious Lyman.)

But while he's only on the screen? I can love him from afar. *g*

Date: 2004-05-01 06:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] skywaterblue.livejournal.com
Oh yeah. He'd be on my shit list within a week. He'd also probably be my favorite in a week as well. We're just crazy enough for me to mutually tolerate him and consider him a friend. I probably wouldn't like Donna but I would like her as a person, and I'd find Toby and Leo too distant and authoritarian, and CJ bleeds this vibe of 'you're not in my class'. I think I'd get on well with Will and Charlie and Debbie, though.

Date: 2004-05-01 06:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] out-there.livejournal.com
Hmmm... CJ would intrigue me, Sam would intimidate me, Josh would annoy me. Donna... I'd probably fall pretty fast for her in real life, she's cute and funny and quirky. I'd keep my distance from Jed and Leo, but I'd probably be kinda amused by Toby. I'd probably get on with Will, he's just geeky enough for me to find him a great friend.

Date: 2004-05-01 07:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] skywaterblue.livejournal.com
I find geeky to be sexy, (it's probably genetic, for the survival of our species) so I'm not sure I could be in the same room with Will without trying to jump his bones. Except for S5 Will, because he's no longer attractive in that way.

Date: 2004-05-01 07:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] out-there.livejournal.com
I find geeky to be sexy, (it's probably genetic, for the survival of our species)

*snerk* Normally, I do too. But... there's something about Joshua Malina that just doesn't work for me. I can't imagine him naked, it's as simple as that. Not as Will, not as Jeremy. Just can't.

It's odd, because most of my other boys are geeks to some degree. *shrugs*

Date: 2004-05-01 07:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] skywaterblue.livejournal.com
He does give off an oddly asexual vibe. But still, mmm, Will Bailey. *attacks!*

Date: 2005-02-04 08:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] arianamama.livejournal.com
OMG, I loved that! It was wonderful. You had Josh spot on and Sam's Christmas cards sound just right too! I know I'm pretty late to this party but I just had to say something.

Date: 2005-02-09 01:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] out-there.livejournal.com
Better late than never (which especialy applies to my response *g*). I'm so glad that you liked scrooge-Josh. I don't generally write Josh/Donna (being more of a Sam/Josh gal at heart), but I'm thrilled that it worked for you.

Date: 2005-09-20 06:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] castaliae.livejournal.com
I simply loved this. It was harsh and sweet and seemed canonical. Thanks.

Date: 2005-09-21 03:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] out-there.livejournal.com
It was harsh and sweet and seemed canonical.

Thank you. That's exactly what I was going for, and it isn't always easy to hit.

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