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out_thereTitle: The Fleeting Value of Happiness
Fandom: Heroes
Pairing: Matt/Mohinder
Spoilers: 2.09 "Cautionary Tales"
Disclaimer: Not mine. No profit. Etc, etc, etc.
Notes: Written after watching 2.09 but not beta'd. Hence, all mistakes are mine.
Summary: Everything comes at a cost. Even happiness.
It's not until Mohinder’s turning the key in their front door that he stops to wonder. Stops and thinks about events.
He remembers calling Matt to explain that he needed to stay at the Company labs for a few more days, needed to test Claire's blood -- and it all comes down to blood: blood splattered across shattered lenses, blood on his hands, blood sitting in sterilised, refrigerated bags -- needed to see how Niki was faring.
And then he was walking out of Bob's hotel room, getting into a cab and calling the airport from the backseat, arranging the first flight home.
The trip is a blur to him, rushing by without any concrete moments to ground it. He can't remember looking at his watch or reading anything. Can't remember what the in-flight movie was. He must have fallen asleep and slept away the journey.
Standing at his own door, it suddenly feels strange that he can't remember why he needed to come home. The need was urgent, as if hearing Matt's voice was enough to shake him loose of the Company. As if he'd just needed a reminder that he was doing this for the two people left at home.
When he opens the door, Matt doesn't seem surprised to see him. If anything, it's the opposite: Matt's sitting at the table, chin propped up on one hand, watching the door. As if he'd been waiting, as if he'd expected Mohinder's return.
It touches Mohinder. Strikes him as foolishly romantic.
***
Life continues. It's surprisingly normal.
Every so often, Mohinder can't help thinking that he shot a man. He took a life. Sometimes, all he remembers is the bright sunlight in his eyes, remembers squinting and pulling a trigger, not really aiming, just scared and knowing he had to do something. Sometimes, he remembers the kick of the handgun, the ricochet of kinetic energy pushing on his wrist and shoulder, and the burnt-metal smell of gunpowder.
Sometimes, all he remembers is the moment before Bennet fell. How he stood there, still but strangely balance, head angled back. Mohinder had thought he'd missed, but then Bennet started to topple, started to fall backwards, twisting to his side slightly. The movement wasn't graceful; it was ugly and wrong. Like a rag-doll crumpling, dropped carelessly to the floor.
When he remembers that, Mohinder's stomach clenches and his throat tries to close up. But Matt's always there, always knows, always has a hand around his shoulders or lips against his cheek. It's enough to ward away the phantoms and the guilt. It's enough to clear his head, to leave him muttering that he did what he had to do, that he was acting to save two lives from Bennet's fury, that he did the best he could at the time.
Matt must get sick of hearing it, must be tired of listening to Mohinder repeat the truth over and over. He must. But every time, he listens. He nods and agrees. He holds Mohinder until the sharpness of the memories fade, until Mohinder feels a little sheepish for letting it get to him.
Sometimes, he wishes that Matt didn't always notice those moments, didn't always know exactly when Mohinder needs the reassurance of touch, but he does. Every time. It's slightly embarrassing, and out of that embarrassment, Mohinder asks, "Do I think louder?"
Matt scrunches his face up in confusion. "What?"
"When..." Takes a deep breath, needs it to force the words out. "When I start thinking about what happened in California, what I did to Bennet, you always seem to know. I was wondering if those thoughts are louder than others."
Matt shrugs against him, arms still loose around Mohinder's chest. "Maybe my powers are just getting stronger."
Mohinder slides his hands along Matt's wrists, wrapping his arms over Matt's. "Maybe," he says, and leans back into the embrace. It doesn't matter much.
***
Despite... everything that happened, life seems to become nearly normal. Molly's nightmares are gone, and with solid sleep every night, she's bright and cheery, the picture of a normal, happy child. While Mohinder's still working for the Company, he's negotiated a slightly different working relationship: he'll continue to study powers, to study their codes, to try to discover why his blood cured the original virus and yet has no effect on its mutations but that's all. No more field trips, no more leaving the city.
It's better. Good to have a stable home life, good for Molly to know that he'll always be home by 6pm, good for Mohinder to have regular sleeping hours. It's good for all of them.
Except Matt... There's something wrong. Mohinder notices little things -- shadows under his eyes, weariness in his movements, shoulders slouching as if supporting the weight of the world -- and worries about Matt's health, chides him to eat better. (Left to his own devices, Matt will always choose the option with the least nutritional value.)
It could be nothing, but there are times when Matt seems surprised, genuinely amazed, when Mohinder reaches over to him or leans in for an unexpected kiss. He feels the way Matt pulls back, like he's assessing a risk. When that happens, he feels so far away from Matt, as if he couldn't reach him if he tried.
Mohinder wonders if it's the job getting to Matt. Matt doesn't talk about it and doesn't share what he sees, but Mohinder can imagine easily enough. After seeing so much violence and cruelty, petty theft and harsh selfishness, the growing distance between them would make sense. Matt doesn't want to burden Mohinder with it, and being near someone makes it a lot harder to avoid discussing what's on your mind.
So he doesn't surprise Matt anymore. Doesn't sneak up on him in the kitchen. Doesn't drop a kiss to Matt's head as he walks past the couch.
He keeps meaning to talk to Matt about it, except when he asks, Matt shakes his head and says, "I think I'm coming down with something," or "I'm just a bit tired. Didn't sleep too well last night."
When Matt kisses him in bed -- so soft these days, so gentle, so sweetly careful of Mohinder -- the distance is gone. Matt's solid and real and definitely there, and Mohinder wonders if he's been imagining the rest.
***
The hospital calls Mohinder at 11.15am on Tuesday morning. A woman -- Mohinder doesn't catch her name, doesn't really try -- explains that Matt fell from the bottom level of a fire escape. He's apparently fine, but unconscious. Mohinder bites back the urge to point out that being unconscious proves Matt isn't fine; instead, he gets directions to the hospital.
He talks to a nurse, an intern and a doctor before he's satisfied that -- current comatose state notwithstanding -- Matt actually is fine. No broken bones, no internal injuries, just a nasty fall onto concrete. Then he hovers in the waiting room and waits for Matt to wake up.
He leaves to pick Molly up from school, then returns to the waiting room's hard plastic chairs with Molly's hand in his, and her new pink schoolbag over his shoulder. He tells her what happened in simple terms, describing a bad fall and that they're waiting for Matt to wake up, but she doesn't seem surprised.
"He's been like that for hours," she says. "Since recess."
"You could tell?"
Molly slouches in the plastic seat, and suddenly looks small and frightened, hiding behind the long fall of straight, brown hair. "I could feel it. Will he--"
"What, sweetheart?"
"Will he wake up soon?" she asks in a small voice.
"Oh, Molly." He wraps an arm around her thin shoulders, leaning over her. "Matt will be fine. I'm sure he'll wake up soon."
"Really?" She turns to look at him and that's when Mohinder notices that she's not worried, she's terrified. "Couldn't--"
"What?"
Frowning, she looks away. Tilts her head to stare at the floor and doesn't speak until there's a curtain of hair obscuring Mohinder's view of her face. "They kept the Nightmare Man asleep."
It's not a fear Mohinder had ever considered -- although children seem to distrust hospitals and doctors for a variety of strange reasons -- and for a moment, he's at a loss. He's not sure what to say to reassure her. "The Nightmare Man was a different circumstance. They're not going to keep Matt asleep."
"Could they?" Then softer, sounding close to tears, she adds, "If we asked them?"
"Molly!" He grabs her shoulders, gently pulling her around to see her face, her miserable expression.
"Don't you feel it? The pressure to do what Matt wants? It's always there, it's always--" She's crying now, tears slipping down her round cheeks, dropping from her chin. "You don't even feel it, do you? You don't feel the way he's always pushing and pulling, and you can't tell him to stop because you can't get the words out."
She hiccups a breath, and Mohinder does the one thing that makes sense right now: he gathers her into his lap, holds her tight against his chest. Stroking her hair, pressing a kiss against her temple, he thinks.
He thinks about what he remembers. About what happened in California.
For the first time, the memory is not only vivid -- horrific in it's clear, unnecessary violence -- but also feels important. It means something. It means something terrible: that he killed, that he acted without question, that his direct actions and choices resulted in this.
But it means something.
It doesn't feel unimportant. Like something he shouldn't bother thinking about. Like something he should forget and ignore. Like something that simply doesn't matter.
If he thinks about it in those terms...
There's a lot that hasn't really mattered lately.
...Matt's powers, if they'd grown or not.
...Molly's powers and the way that she never used them these days.
...how the Company acquired the samples Mohinder was using daily, how they tested the vaccines that showed promise.
It just didn't seem important. Molly and Matt were important, but everything else had faded, had blurred until he hadn't noticed it, hadn't thought about it at all.
Molly settles in his arms, going completely still. "Molly?" he asks, brushing a strand of hair from her forehead.
"Matt's awake," she says sweetly, smiling. There are still tear tracks on her face and a wet patch on his shirt, but her expression right now is one of innocent happiness, childlike and natural. The inconsistencies are chilling.
"Stay here," Mohinder says, getting up and finding his way to Matt's room, leaving her sitting quietly on the blue plastic chairs, swinging her feet playfully.
Lying on the bed, Matt looks pale and unhealthy. More than that, he looks old. His cheeks are sagging slightly and there are rings under his eyes. Mohinder guesses it makes sense: if Matt has been using his powers almost constantly, it would require effort, would in the very least strain his concentration.
Then Matt opens his eyes -- warm brown eyes and a quick, adorable smile -- and says, "Hey."
"Hey," Mohinder replies, feeling relieved that Matt's okay and foolish for getting so worried. "You're okay?"
"Mild concussion, but I'm good to go," Matt says as Mohinder walks over to the bed. Matt smiles again. "Considering I survived a death-defying fall, I think I deserve at least a kiss."
"You probably have morning breath," Mohinder replies, but he leans down anyway. Matt's lips are a little dry but the kiss is warm and comforting. Mohinder pulls back a little and says, "Molly--"
He stops. There was something. Something Molly had said. Something he wanted to tell Matt.
But he can't remember what it was. He just has a vague feeling that... he's forgotten something.
It feels like it's right on the tip of his tongue, like some scrap of general knowledge trivia that will come to him at the strangest of times.
"What?" Matt says, sounding amused.
"She was worried," Mohinder improvises. "I think she wanted me to tell you something but I honestly can't remember what it was."
Matt smiles, sliding a hand around the back of Mohinder's neck. "If it's important, it'll come back to you."
Fandom: Heroes
Pairing: Matt/Mohinder
Spoilers: 2.09 "Cautionary Tales"
Disclaimer: Not mine. No profit. Etc, etc, etc.
Notes: Written after watching 2.09 but not beta'd. Hence, all mistakes are mine.
Summary: Everything comes at a cost. Even happiness.
It's not until Mohinder’s turning the key in their front door that he stops to wonder. Stops and thinks about events.
He remembers calling Matt to explain that he needed to stay at the Company labs for a few more days, needed to test Claire's blood -- and it all comes down to blood: blood splattered across shattered lenses, blood on his hands, blood sitting in sterilised, refrigerated bags -- needed to see how Niki was faring.
And then he was walking out of Bob's hotel room, getting into a cab and calling the airport from the backseat, arranging the first flight home.
The trip is a blur to him, rushing by without any concrete moments to ground it. He can't remember looking at his watch or reading anything. Can't remember what the in-flight movie was. He must have fallen asleep and slept away the journey.
Standing at his own door, it suddenly feels strange that he can't remember why he needed to come home. The need was urgent, as if hearing Matt's voice was enough to shake him loose of the Company. As if he'd just needed a reminder that he was doing this for the two people left at home.
When he opens the door, Matt doesn't seem surprised to see him. If anything, it's the opposite: Matt's sitting at the table, chin propped up on one hand, watching the door. As if he'd been waiting, as if he'd expected Mohinder's return.
It touches Mohinder. Strikes him as foolishly romantic.
***
Life continues. It's surprisingly normal.
Every so often, Mohinder can't help thinking that he shot a man. He took a life. Sometimes, all he remembers is the bright sunlight in his eyes, remembers squinting and pulling a trigger, not really aiming, just scared and knowing he had to do something. Sometimes, he remembers the kick of the handgun, the ricochet of kinetic energy pushing on his wrist and shoulder, and the burnt-metal smell of gunpowder.
Sometimes, all he remembers is the moment before Bennet fell. How he stood there, still but strangely balance, head angled back. Mohinder had thought he'd missed, but then Bennet started to topple, started to fall backwards, twisting to his side slightly. The movement wasn't graceful; it was ugly and wrong. Like a rag-doll crumpling, dropped carelessly to the floor.
When he remembers that, Mohinder's stomach clenches and his throat tries to close up. But Matt's always there, always knows, always has a hand around his shoulders or lips against his cheek. It's enough to ward away the phantoms and the guilt. It's enough to clear his head, to leave him muttering that he did what he had to do, that he was acting to save two lives from Bennet's fury, that he did the best he could at the time.
Matt must get sick of hearing it, must be tired of listening to Mohinder repeat the truth over and over. He must. But every time, he listens. He nods and agrees. He holds Mohinder until the sharpness of the memories fade, until Mohinder feels a little sheepish for letting it get to him.
Sometimes, he wishes that Matt didn't always notice those moments, didn't always know exactly when Mohinder needs the reassurance of touch, but he does. Every time. It's slightly embarrassing, and out of that embarrassment, Mohinder asks, "Do I think louder?"
Matt scrunches his face up in confusion. "What?"
"When..." Takes a deep breath, needs it to force the words out. "When I start thinking about what happened in California, what I did to Bennet, you always seem to know. I was wondering if those thoughts are louder than others."
Matt shrugs against him, arms still loose around Mohinder's chest. "Maybe my powers are just getting stronger."
Mohinder slides his hands along Matt's wrists, wrapping his arms over Matt's. "Maybe," he says, and leans back into the embrace. It doesn't matter much.
***
Despite... everything that happened, life seems to become nearly normal. Molly's nightmares are gone, and with solid sleep every night, she's bright and cheery, the picture of a normal, happy child. While Mohinder's still working for the Company, he's negotiated a slightly different working relationship: he'll continue to study powers, to study their codes, to try to discover why his blood cured the original virus and yet has no effect on its mutations but that's all. No more field trips, no more leaving the city.
It's better. Good to have a stable home life, good for Molly to know that he'll always be home by 6pm, good for Mohinder to have regular sleeping hours. It's good for all of them.
Except Matt... There's something wrong. Mohinder notices little things -- shadows under his eyes, weariness in his movements, shoulders slouching as if supporting the weight of the world -- and worries about Matt's health, chides him to eat better. (Left to his own devices, Matt will always choose the option with the least nutritional value.)
It could be nothing, but there are times when Matt seems surprised, genuinely amazed, when Mohinder reaches over to him or leans in for an unexpected kiss. He feels the way Matt pulls back, like he's assessing a risk. When that happens, he feels so far away from Matt, as if he couldn't reach him if he tried.
Mohinder wonders if it's the job getting to Matt. Matt doesn't talk about it and doesn't share what he sees, but Mohinder can imagine easily enough. After seeing so much violence and cruelty, petty theft and harsh selfishness, the growing distance between them would make sense. Matt doesn't want to burden Mohinder with it, and being near someone makes it a lot harder to avoid discussing what's on your mind.
So he doesn't surprise Matt anymore. Doesn't sneak up on him in the kitchen. Doesn't drop a kiss to Matt's head as he walks past the couch.
He keeps meaning to talk to Matt about it, except when he asks, Matt shakes his head and says, "I think I'm coming down with something," or "I'm just a bit tired. Didn't sleep too well last night."
When Matt kisses him in bed -- so soft these days, so gentle, so sweetly careful of Mohinder -- the distance is gone. Matt's solid and real and definitely there, and Mohinder wonders if he's been imagining the rest.
***
The hospital calls Mohinder at 11.15am on Tuesday morning. A woman -- Mohinder doesn't catch her name, doesn't really try -- explains that Matt fell from the bottom level of a fire escape. He's apparently fine, but unconscious. Mohinder bites back the urge to point out that being unconscious proves Matt isn't fine; instead, he gets directions to the hospital.
He talks to a nurse, an intern and a doctor before he's satisfied that -- current comatose state notwithstanding -- Matt actually is fine. No broken bones, no internal injuries, just a nasty fall onto concrete. Then he hovers in the waiting room and waits for Matt to wake up.
He leaves to pick Molly up from school, then returns to the waiting room's hard plastic chairs with Molly's hand in his, and her new pink schoolbag over his shoulder. He tells her what happened in simple terms, describing a bad fall and that they're waiting for Matt to wake up, but she doesn't seem surprised.
"He's been like that for hours," she says. "Since recess."
"You could tell?"
Molly slouches in the plastic seat, and suddenly looks small and frightened, hiding behind the long fall of straight, brown hair. "I could feel it. Will he--"
"What, sweetheart?"
"Will he wake up soon?" she asks in a small voice.
"Oh, Molly." He wraps an arm around her thin shoulders, leaning over her. "Matt will be fine. I'm sure he'll wake up soon."
"Really?" She turns to look at him and that's when Mohinder notices that she's not worried, she's terrified. "Couldn't--"
"What?"
Frowning, she looks away. Tilts her head to stare at the floor and doesn't speak until there's a curtain of hair obscuring Mohinder's view of her face. "They kept the Nightmare Man asleep."
It's not a fear Mohinder had ever considered -- although children seem to distrust hospitals and doctors for a variety of strange reasons -- and for a moment, he's at a loss. He's not sure what to say to reassure her. "The Nightmare Man was a different circumstance. They're not going to keep Matt asleep."
"Could they?" Then softer, sounding close to tears, she adds, "If we asked them?"
"Molly!" He grabs her shoulders, gently pulling her around to see her face, her miserable expression.
"Don't you feel it? The pressure to do what Matt wants? It's always there, it's always--" She's crying now, tears slipping down her round cheeks, dropping from her chin. "You don't even feel it, do you? You don't feel the way he's always pushing and pulling, and you can't tell him to stop because you can't get the words out."
She hiccups a breath, and Mohinder does the one thing that makes sense right now: he gathers her into his lap, holds her tight against his chest. Stroking her hair, pressing a kiss against her temple, he thinks.
He thinks about what he remembers. About what happened in California.
For the first time, the memory is not only vivid -- horrific in it's clear, unnecessary violence -- but also feels important. It means something. It means something terrible: that he killed, that he acted without question, that his direct actions and choices resulted in this.
But it means something.
It doesn't feel unimportant. Like something he shouldn't bother thinking about. Like something he should forget and ignore. Like something that simply doesn't matter.
If he thinks about it in those terms...
There's a lot that hasn't really mattered lately.
...Matt's powers, if they'd grown or not.
...Molly's powers and the way that she never used them these days.
...how the Company acquired the samples Mohinder was using daily, how they tested the vaccines that showed promise.
It just didn't seem important. Molly and Matt were important, but everything else had faded, had blurred until he hadn't noticed it, hadn't thought about it at all.
Molly settles in his arms, going completely still. "Molly?" he asks, brushing a strand of hair from her forehead.
"Matt's awake," she says sweetly, smiling. There are still tear tracks on her face and a wet patch on his shirt, but her expression right now is one of innocent happiness, childlike and natural. The inconsistencies are chilling.
"Stay here," Mohinder says, getting up and finding his way to Matt's room, leaving her sitting quietly on the blue plastic chairs, swinging her feet playfully.
Lying on the bed, Matt looks pale and unhealthy. More than that, he looks old. His cheeks are sagging slightly and there are rings under his eyes. Mohinder guesses it makes sense: if Matt has been using his powers almost constantly, it would require effort, would in the very least strain his concentration.
Then Matt opens his eyes -- warm brown eyes and a quick, adorable smile -- and says, "Hey."
"Hey," Mohinder replies, feeling relieved that Matt's okay and foolish for getting so worried. "You're okay?"
"Mild concussion, but I'm good to go," Matt says as Mohinder walks over to the bed. Matt smiles again. "Considering I survived a death-defying fall, I think I deserve at least a kiss."
"You probably have morning breath," Mohinder replies, but he leans down anyway. Matt's lips are a little dry but the kiss is warm and comforting. Mohinder pulls back a little and says, "Molly--"
He stops. There was something. Something Molly had said. Something he wanted to tell Matt.
But he can't remember what it was. He just has a vague feeling that... he's forgotten something.
It feels like it's right on the tip of his tongue, like some scrap of general knowledge trivia that will come to him at the strangest of times.
"What?" Matt says, sounding amused.
"She was worried," Mohinder improvises. "I think she wanted me to tell you something but I honestly can't remember what it was."
Matt smiles, sliding a hand around the back of Mohinder's neck. "If it's important, it'll come back to you."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 04:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 04:23 pm (UTC)with all the subtle and the quiet
Thank you. I don't often go for the angsty, unhappy endings (and inside my mind, that's what this is, because Matt knows what he's doing. Matt's well aware that he's using his powers to manipulate the people around him into being happy because he wants them to be. It's an understandable urge, but it's selfish, destructive and an abuse of their trust) but I'm really glad that this worked for you.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 04:23 pm (UTC)This was a delight to read. Even with its innocent pleasant tone it made goosebumps rise on my skin. It was like that final scene in the original Stepford Wives: everything was glowing and seemingly perfect, but knowing the truth behind that made it insidious and creepy.
::memories::
no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 04:32 pm (UTC)That's exactly the vibe, the idea of being selfish enough to "re-make" those around you into what makes you happy. The complete and utter abuse of trust and the lack of respect for the people you claim to love, and the way that it can be rationalised as "best" for everyone.
I was a little worried I wouldn't be able to pull it off, because Mohinder needs to *sound* happy, he needs to believe he's happy even though the readers know what's happening (and Molly, with her abilities, is sensitive enough to recognise that it isn't her will but unable to do anything about it) and c an recognise the wrongness there.
I'm really glad it worked for you.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 04:34 pm (UTC)Awesome!
no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 04:40 pm (UTC)Worse still, you can imagine how Matt justifies it - he just wants to take Mohinder's mind off things, make sure the virus is cured, make sure Molly is happy and normal.
Oh, exactly! In Matt's mind, he's trying to do what's best for everyone, keep everyone safe and happy, regardless of whether or not they actually feel that way. And no matter how it ends, it'll end in tears -- if Matt keeps it up forever, and basically condemns the people around him to life without personal freedom, or if he can't, and Molly and Mohinder get to break free -- no matter what happens, it won't end *well*.
This completely sucked me in, and the reveal is fantastic
*beams* THank you!
no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 04:55 pm (UTC)O_O
Can Mohinder and Molly find a way to fight it? Find a way to confront Matt, tell him this isn't right?
*wibble!*
no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 11:23 pm (UTC)*vitory arms for self*
And... hmmm. you know, I just don't see this ending well, no matter what happens. Which is why I don't want to play with this idea any more -- I don't think it can be salvaged.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 05:04 pm (UTC)Sarah
no subject
Date: 2007-11-30 08:01 am (UTC)Oh, Matt- he doesn't realize how much like his father he's becoming in this, how much he's hurting Molly and Mohinder without wanting to hurt them (or without them realizing they're being hurt).
*nods* You're right: he really doesn't see all the lines that he's crossing. And the more it happens, the longer it goes on for, the less likely he'll ever understand or be able to turn back from being the type of guy he never wanted to be.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 05:43 pm (UTC)But it's really good, and though it ends sort of incomplete it doesn't feel that way. Though you could always expand on it without too much trouble.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-30 08:03 am (UTC)For my money, I think Matt knows what he's doing but I don't think he actually sees his actions as wrong, as a violation of their trust in him. It's not good for them and it's not healthy for him (either physically, because using his powers non-stop has got to be draining, or emotionally, I'm betting, because after a while I think that Matt -- especially given his own self-worth issues -- would start to doubt the honesty of Mohinder and Molly's love for him), but I don't think he gets that.
Mind you, it's a story that only works with a bit of ambiguity, so it's open to interpretation.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 05:59 pm (UTC)Given where Matt was at the end of Cautionary Tales, this is so plausible, it makes me want to cry. I hope if Matt goes down this road, he can come back from it. He'll be scarred, no doubt, but it would be great character development for him and Greg would totally own it.
Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 11:16 pm (UTC)Oh my god, Greg would knock it out of the ballpark! He'd completely rule me and break my heart at the same time.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 07:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 11:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 07:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 11:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 07:57 pm (UTC)This was very disturbing, in the good way :-)
no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 11:48 pm (UTC)*feels all warm, fuzzy and loved regardless*
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 08:01 pm (UTC)Absolutely fantastic.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 11:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 08:37 pm (UTC)I feel bad for Matt but at the same time...bad Matt!
no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 11:40 pm (UTC)I feel bad for Matt but at the same time...bad Matt!
Exactly! Matt's not a bad guy, per se, but he has the potential to do the most terrible things in the name of doing right.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 11:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 11:35 pm (UTC)Actually, no, that thought hadn't even occured to me. But, ohhhh, that's a frightening idea. I'm suddenly getting a flash of M3 as a family more frightening than the Petrellis.
So creepily perfect.
Thank you.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 11:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-29 11:38 pm (UTC)You and me both. I sincerely hope that Matt gets a reality check long before something this bad becomes possible.
But it was an interesting idea to play with.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2007-11-30 01:10 am (UTC)Just wonderfully done. I love the quiet ache that seems to be forever below the surface in this because in a way Mohinder knows, he knows and that just makes it worse.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-30 05:38 am (UTC)*high fives you*
In that case, you spotted it well in advance. You totally deserve a Fic Reader Gold Star, or something.
but that scene with Molly just broke my heart.
I still feel vaguely guilty for hurting Molly like that. I mean, it's necessary for the plot but it's not something I'm proud of.
This is just so sad and twisted and I'd hate to see Matt become this, but it seems so possible because with that power how could you resist? Especially if you couldn't control it, I mean how many time a day does one simply wish for another to be happy or for them to love you?
*nods*
Just wonderfully done. I love the quiet ache that seems to be forever below the surface in this because in a way Mohinder knows, he knows and that just makes it worse.
Oh, that's such a lovely way to describe it, because he... knows, almost. He just can't bring himself to care. It's Matt's influence, but it's the thought of *knowing* and not being able to fight it which is the real kicker in that situation.
no subject
Date: 2007-11-30 04:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-30 05:33 am (UTC)But I feel a bit guilty for making Molly suffer too. *pulls face*
no subject
Date: 2007-11-30 05:52 am (UTC)*sigh
Great story!
no subject
Date: 2007-11-30 07:55 am (UTC)Personally, I'd always go for personal freedom above personal happiness, but... hmmm. It's a bit debateable, really. If you're happy, do you care/notice that you're not free to make your own choices? *shrugs*
no subject
Date: 2007-11-30 06:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-30 07:59 am (UTC)That's the scary thing. There's a really, really good chance that Matt doesn't even recognise his actions as wrong, as a violation of their trust in him. It's not good for them and it's not healthy for him (either physically, because using his powers non-stop has got to be draining, or emotionally, I'm betting, because after a while I think that Matt --especially given his own self-worth issues -- would start to doubt the honesty of Mohinder and Molly's love for him), but I don't think he gets that.
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Date: 2007-11-30 06:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-30 07:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2007-11-30 12:55 pm (UTC)But still! I wonder if he means to? I can't see him doing these things on pirpose... But, then again, he hasn't been behaving all that well lately!
Mm, lovely job! Thank you for sharing! <3
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Date: 2007-12-02 12:20 pm (UTC)Man do I ever want to sock Matt at the end, but he's so adorable and he IS keeping them safe...
It really is a catch-22. Or a case of the road to hell being paved with good intentions. His intentions are good, and his heart's in the right place, but he's doing something fairly terrible for the sake it. (And the end does not justify the means. He should know that.)
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Date: 2007-11-30 07:20 pm (UTC)It could be nothing, but there are times when Matt seems surprised, genuinely amazed, when Mohinder reaches over to him or leans in for an unexpected kiss. He feels the way Matt pulls back, like he's assessing a risk. When that happens, he feels so far away from Matt, as if he couldn't reach him if he tried.
I'm not sure I understand this exactly. Is Matt surprised because he was wishing that Mohinder would do it and he did? Or because he didn't wish it?
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Date: 2007-12-02 12:26 pm (UTC)I'm not sure I understand this exactly. Is Matt surprised because he was wishing that Mohinder would do it and he did? Or because he didn't wish it?
To me, these are the moments when Mohinder's decided to surprise Matt with a kiss. It's a moment that Matt hasn't planned or initiated, and that's why it takes him by surprise: because he's starting to assume that physical affection is... well, that in some ways, it's a by-product of his control over Mohinder and Molly.
Matt's starting to take it for granted that Mohinder's actions reflect Matt's moods, so it's a little bit of a surprise to have Mohinder act on his own desire for Matt. Of course, the rotten thing about it is that Mohinder reads it the wrong way and stops surprising him. Which will reinforce Matt's growing suspicion that the affection and sexuality (the relationship itself, really) is something that's only happening because Matt's forcing it to happen.
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Date: 2007-12-01 01:27 am (UTC)Holy fuck!!! Matt is mind raping them into happiness. I've heard of hte road to hell being paved with good intentions, but this is such a creepy, creepy depiction.
I'm sure that Matt thinks he's only doing what's best for them. And I'm even more sure that's what Maury told himself in the beginning.
The most awful part was the whole scene with Molly. Her relief and terror about finally being able to speak freely with Mohinder and think for herself, only to have the switch get turned back on the second Matt wakes up. I seriously had to get up and take a walk after that moment.
This is the worst case scenario for his character, even more so than the 5 Years Gone 'verse b/c it's so plausible given Matt's need to fix things and how over protective he is.
Congrats for writing something that will stick with me for a long time.
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Date: 2007-12-02 12:36 pm (UTC)*cackles* That is the best summary of this fic ever. It's really what's happening.
The most awful part was the whole scene with Molly. Her relief and terror about finally being able to speak freely with Mohinder and think for herself, only to have the switch get turned back on the second Matt wakes up. I seriously had to get up and take a walk after that moment.
The Molly scene... The fic wouldn't have worked without it, but I still feel apologetic that I made her cry. I don't like upsetting Molly. (The boys? I was annoyed at both of them, but Molly? Totally innocent.)
Congrats for writing something that will stick with me for a long time.
Thank you! I sincerely hope that this a possibility we never, ever see happen in canon.
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Date: 2007-12-01 08:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 12:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-01 08:58 am (UTC)But I like the conflictions; Matt only wants his family to be happy, but he's abusing it for that purpose alone, which begs the question on whether he can live with himself knowing what he's done (which is probably why he's been feeling miserable, yes?)
Nicely done. Sad and creepy all at once.
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Date: 2007-12-02 12:32 pm (UTC)Thank you. Stories like this only have a strong impact if it's a believable turn of events, so hearing that it's plausible is fantastic.
But I like the conflictions; Matt only wants his family to be happy, but he's abusing it for that purpose alone, which begs the question on whether he can live with himself knowing what he's done (which is probably why he's been feeling miserable, yes?)
*nods* I think the physical strain of constantly using his powers combined with the emotional strain may eventually be too much for Matt. It's not only the guilt of what he's doing -- even if he's sure it's for the right reason -- but his own self-worth issues, that are eventually going to leave Matt convinced that the only reason Mohinder stays, the only way Matt gets to keep Mohinder and Molly in his life, is through controlling them and forcing them to care for him. He'll fear that if he stops the charade, he'll lose them both.
Of course, the somewhat sucktastic side-effect is that in a way, Matt's right. After abusing the two people you supposedly love, it's a pretty good bet they'd dump your sorry ass the second they had the freedom to escape.
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Date: 2007-12-01 09:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 12:26 pm (UTC)