Commentary Meme

[out_there]

In celebration of finally getting all my stories¹ up on AO3, a writing meme last seen on resonant's DW:

Pick a paragraph (or any passage between ... let's say 200 and 600 words) from anything I've written, and comment to this post with that selection. I will then give you a DVD commentary on that snippet: what I was thinking when I wrote it, why I wrote it in the first place, what's going on in the characters' heads, why I chose certain words, what this moment means in the context of the rest of the fic, lots of awful puns, and anything else that you'd expect to find on a DVD commentary track.



¹ - That is a slight lie as the anime stuff I wrote at the not-so-mature ages of 16 and 17 isn't up there, but that's not getting posted online. They died a quiet death with Geocities and none will mourn their passing. But everything fannish written from 20y.o. onwards, is all sitting on AO3. It's a yay, peoples.

Comments

[resonant]

From "Let You Kiss Me." Mostly, of course, I want to know what happens next ...

-----

"How about..." John walks over to the sofa, sits on the vacant cushion. "Just ask me to stay."

"It's a very short-term answer," Sherlock says, turning towards John. "People stay as long as there is personal incentive for them. My expressed wish for you to stay would only influence your decisions until a more pressing emotional connection was formed with someone else."

"Maybe you should man up," John hears himself say. "Maybe you should be the one I form an emotional connection with."

There's a breathy huff of laughter and then Sherlock freezes, head turned to John. "That wasn't a joke," he announces slowly.

Sherlock looks surprised, like before his eyes a penguin just turned pink and started singing Ave Maria. John doesn't miss the quick glance Sherlock shoots down at the arm with the nicotine patch, the split-second he takes to remind himself he's clean.

"I'm serious."

"John, I'm not--" Sherlock starts, and then, "There are many reasons--" and finally, "That's completely irrational."

"You like me," John replies. "You think I'm the least annoying person in London."

"I said the least annoying person I'd met. I really can't speak for the entire Greater London area." Sherlock frowns and adds, "I simply meant that I endure your company more easily than anyone else's. It wasn't a vow of undying adoration."

"And yet, you're sitting here concocting schemes to make me stay," John says, high on the impossibility of it all. "Let's make this easy. I like you and I'd be fine with kissing you on a regular basis. So tell me you like me and you want me to stay, and then kiss me."

"I think you're oversimplifying matters," Sherlock says but he doesn't sound unhappy about it. More… cautious.

"You just like everything being so complex you're the only one who can figure it out," John replies easily. "Try it. Worst that happens, you can go back to your Machiavellian plots."

"Niccolo Machiavelli would approve of a slight amount of deception for the greater good of all, but that's not what most people mean when they say Machiavellian."

"You're stalling," John teases.

Sherlock looks as if he's not sure if he should smile or not, but he wants to. "I'm thinking."

"Any time now."

"I spend more time with you than I ever anticipated spending with a flatmate and despite all facts that should suggest otherwise, I find myself…" Sherlock takes a deep breath, shaking his head. Then he meets John's eyes, leans forward and says, "I like you. Stay," and kisses John softly.

That's the sixth time Sherlock kisses him. After that, John stops counting.

[out_there]

Awww, this is one of my favourite sections, so let's give it a shot. I like the buildup in this story and this hits right at the end, after the confusion and the sneaky kisses, just as John not only figures it out but also proves he has an awesome knowledge of how Sherlock ticks and how to prod Sherlock into doing what's best for both of them.


---"How about..." John walks over to the sofa, sits on the vacant cushion. "Just ask me to stay."

---"It's a very short-term answer," Sherlock says, turning towards John. "People stay as long as there is personal incentive for them. My expressed wish for you to stay would only influence your decisions until a more pressing emotional connection was formed with someone else."


Upon re-reading, I notice how formal Sherlock's speech is. I'm not sure if it's entirely in -- or out of -- character for him. It jars, just a little, becuase Sherlock is so modern in so many ways, but at the same time, he does use some lovely words (the peace and quiet being "hateful" is a personal favourite -- just a little posh, a little archaic, but such a nice word) and this is a moment when Sherlock is a little off-guard, a little distracted by being so wrong in his assumptions, and more thinking it through out loud than really talking to John.



---"Maybe you should man up," John hears himself say. "Maybe you should be the one I form an emotional connection with."

It might be slightly American (I'm not sure. It's not Australian, I can say that for certain. Over here, we'd be more likely to say "Suck it up, Princess"), but having John Watson say "man up" makes me ridiculously happy. I *heart* John. Even more than this story suggests.


---There's a breathy huff of laughter and then Sherlock freezes, head turned to John. "That wasn't a joke," he announces slowly.

---Sherlock looks surprised, like before his eyes a penguin just turned pink and started singing Ave Maria. John doesn't miss the quick glance Sherlock shoots down at the arm with the nicotine patch, the split-second he takes to remind himself he's clean.

Penguins! That's all I have to say. Well, that and Sherlock's understanding of humour is not as well developed as his understanding of decomposition, but everyone already knew that. (Also, rather unrelated, he's lovely when he laughs. John and Sherlock laughing together in the first scene is a thing of joy and love.)


---"I'm serious."

---"John, I'm not--" Sherlock starts, and then, "There are many reasons--" and finally, "That's completely irrational."

I think Sherlock would see himself in a removed, impartial way: his life is about his work, everything revolves around it. The idea of stopping to consider himself as a romantic possibility... just isn't something he'd even consider. But at the same time, it isn't something he can argue *against* either, even though he tries.


---"You like me," John replies. "You think I'm the least annoying person in London."

John would be a little smug as he said this. *hearts him* I love a smug John.


---"I said the least annoying person I'd met. I really can't speak for the entire Greater London area." Sherlock frowns and adds, "I simply meant that I endure your company more easily than anyone else's. It wasn't a vow of undying adoration."

And, still, this is one of my favourite bits of dialogue. Because, yes, the "I love you" is three easy words but I like stories that can delve into what that means for characters. Is love that warm little secret you hold in your heart? Is it the thought that pulls you out of a bad mood and makes you smile? Or maybe it doesn't impact your bad mood at all, but it's the thing that makes you willing to apologise afterwards.

Or in this case, is it the one person that you're willing to spend hours with, even if you're sulking at the time?


---"And yet, you're sitting here concocting schemes to make me stay," John says, high on the impossibility of it all. "Let's make this easy. I like you and I'd be fine with kissing you on a regular basis. So tell me you like me and you want me to stay, and then kiss me."

---"I think you're oversimplifying matters," Sherlock says but he doesn't sound unhappy about it. More... cautious.

---"You just like everything being so complex you're the only one who can figure it out," John replies easily. "Try it. Worst that happens, you can go back to your Machiavellian plots."

---"Niccolo Machiavelli would approve of a slight amount of deception for the greater good of all, but that's not what most people mean when they say Machiavellian."

This is a perfect example of the random things that online research is vital for. Would you believe I had to use Wikipedia and a google search or two to make sure that common use of the phrase and the actual suggestions of Machiavelli were right? At least an hour spent researching something that was only a throwaway line -- but it needed to be accurate. Needed to be the right line.


---"You're stalling," John teases.

---Sherlock looks as if he's not sure if he should smile or not, but he wants to. "I'm thinking."

---"Any time now."

---"I spend more time with you than I ever anticipated spending with a flatmate and despite all facts that should suggest otherwise, I find myself…" Sherlock takes a deep breath, shaking his head. Then he meets John's eyes, leans forward and says, "I like you. Stay," and kisses John softly.

Because in the end, John has the right answer. Sometimes, the simplest option, the straight-forward solution, works just as well as the most complicated scheme Sherlock could imagine. It's a very important, very simple idea, but those words are very powerful (and not easy to say).

I think my favourite thing about the second episode was the way we saw John do this -- with the appointment book/diary, by taking a photo of the graffiti before walking away -- and they weren't solutions Sherlock had considered.

I think it's one of John's special appeals (certainly to Sherlock); he has the ability to simplify matters without jumping to incorrect conclusions. He can simplify and still be right; he see through Sherlock's complexity to the personality beneath. Add to that the way John clearly appreciates Sherlock's brilliance without always understanding it, that John's reaction to the unknown is interest, not fear or mockery, and it's easy to see why Sherlock would find himself falling for John.

That's really a long-winded way of saying "John + Sherlock 4eva". *g*


---That's the sixth time Sherlock kisses him. After that, John stops counting.

I love that last line. I struggle -- frequently -- with ending stories and usually have to cull another four paragraphs to find the place where the story stopped. But this moment, that's the perfect end to this story. The story was all about working out the *why*, the reason for the kisses, and I love the hopeful note of this, the "John stops counting" which implies that there was a lot of kisses that followed.

In regards to what happened next... hmmm. In my mind, the immediate future involves a lot of snogging on the sofa, and groping, and possibly sex (which luckily, Mrs Hudson does not walk in on). In the longterm, the kissing continues. Not necessarily when John would expect it, not every morning at a set time (because Sherlock doesn't do set anythings, let alone set times), but John finds himself frequently kissed -- unexpected and sweet, affectionate in a way Sherlock can't be in words -- and kissing back.

And, clearly, I have no trouble talking about this story. *g*

[harpijka]

I'm not really into White Collar fandom, but I have a huge crush on your Mozzie (and your Elizabeth). This is the best fanfic in this fandom I've read.
I love the beginning:
Mozzie has no loyalty to the Suit. The Suit is the government. He stands for law, social control and all the things that Mozzie fundamentally opposes. Unlike Neal, he's not delusional enough to think that any of that changes just because Agent Burke breaks the rules occasionally.

So he's not here because of the Suit. He's here because he likes El. She's smart, she's stylish, she gets his jokes and she got him an invite to the opening night party of La Boheme. Her only obvious flaw is her choice of husband but Mozzie's willing to ignore that right now.

He scopes out the building one more time and then -- once he's sure the delivery van across the street is nothing but a delivery van -- he rings the bell.

El opens the door with a smile. "Did you get lost?"

"No," Mozzie says, peering over her shoulder to make sure the room behind her is empty. He was sure before he walked up the front steps, but it never hurts to double, triple and quadruple check.

She steps back, waving him in with five perfectly French manicured fingers. "You walked past our place three times."

"I was making sure it wasn't being watched."

"You don't think walking the same street three times would look a little suspicious?"

Mozzie shrugs. "Suspicion's hard to prove." He doesn't explain that he needed to be obvious. If Neal had been here, he would have sent some signal, would have found a way to get outside and try to spot whatever Mozzie was looking for. Neal wouldn't have been able to resist his curiosity. It's one of those things that make Neal who he is.

El watches him closely, like she knows there's more to his incompetent recon act, and then she closes the door. "You said we needed to talk."

[out_there]

---Mozzie has no loyalty to the Suit. The Suit is the government. He stands for law, social control and all the things that Mozzie fundamentally opposes. Unlike Neal, he's not delusional enough to think that any of that changes just because Agent Burke breaks the rules occasionally.

I love the first line of this story, the way it clearly sets up both the POV (Mozzie's) and his attitudes and personality. It's a bit snarky, a bit disbeiving and cynical, and eccentrically stylish as Mozzie himself is. I love the next two lines too, but the number of times I tried to reword that last sentence doesn't bear mentioning. It's still a bit wordy, but it can be hard to get the complicated lines that Mozzie would say in canon to sound right when written in words. It was something I noticed a bit in this story.

---So he's not here because of the Suit. He's here because he likes El. She's smart, she's stylish, she gets his jokes and she got him an invite to the opening night party of La Boheme. Her only obvious flaw is her choice of husband but Mozzie's willing to ignore that right now.

I heart El. Okay, honestly, I heart Mozzie and Peter too, and even Neal has his appeals. Strangely enough, of the four of them, Neal's probably the one I'm least personally smitten with (although Mr Bomer is incredibly attractive -- and I'm still very fond of Neal, just wouldn't personally want to date him, whereas I'd happily marry El or Peter, and would love to spend hours chatting to Mozzie) but it's a fantastic thing when you can love all of a show's main characters.

This story was written after I'd finished watched s1 because I wanted more Mozzie. I wanted to see Mozzie interact with Peter and El. By the time I'd finished it, it was s2 and I had to go back to edit in some of the Mozzie-specific bits of canon (use more quotes, specifically Einstein, although I'd like to point out that I already had the idea of him having multiple safe houses across the city).

In so many ways, this story is a love letter to Mozzie and to El (a little to Peter, via Neal and El, but it's Mozzie's POV so Peter will always be the distrusted Suit, no matter what). I love the idea of Mozzie being able to recognise that El is smart and sophisticated, funny and gorgeous, confident and so damn awesome. She totally is.

---He scopes out the building one more time and then -- once he's sure the delivery van across the street is nothing but a delivery van -- he rings the bell.

---El opens the door with a smile. "Did you get lost?"

---"No," Mozzie says, peering over her shoulder to make sure the room behind her is empty. He was sure before he walked up the front steps, but it never hurts to double, triple and quadruple check.

Mozzie is the type of character who never looks, he always peers with suspicion. He's over-dramatic and highly suspicious and it's incredibly fun to write him.

---She steps back, waving him in with five perfectly French manicured fingers. "You walked past our place three times."

Right from the start, you notice there's a lot of physical descriptions of El. But a lot of her conversation scenes with Peter show her communicating with body language as much as with words. It's in a tilt of her head, or a wave of her hand. I don't know if she has french manicures in canon, but I think it's the type of understated, feminine and mature elegance that El likes. So much of El is classy -- the way she dresses, the way she holds herself -- and a lot of that comes down to this feminine, refined and well-maintained style. Nothing overt, nothing trashy, nothing screaming for attention because El knows she doesn't need to cause a scene to be listened to.

As you can tell, I really do love El.

---"I was making sure it wasn't being watched."

---"You don't think walking the same street three times would look a little suspicious?"

And I especially love her cheeky sense of humour.

---Mozzie shrugs. "Suspicion's hard to prove." He doesn't explain that he needed to be obvious. If Neal had been here, he would have sent some signal, would have found a way to get outside and try to spot whatever Mozzie was looking for. Neal wouldn't have been able to resist his curiosity. It's one of those things that make Neal who he is.

And this is it, the big reveal of the scene: that Mozzie's here behind Neal's back. But the reader knows it isn't for a devious, terrible purpose. The lines about who Neal is, his curiousity, the clear fondness for his best friend, it's all little signals that this isn't a big betrayal -- it's behind Neal's back but it's being done out of love.

---El watches him closely, like she knows there's more to his incompetent recon act, and then she closes the door. "You said we needed to talk."

I love the phrase "incompetent recon act". I love that Mozzie is deadly serious about keeping his privacy and safety, but at the same time, he's having an incredible amount of fun playing all these spy games.

And El is observant. She's smart enough to know when something's up.

[harpijka]

Thank you!
I LOVE your first line of this story - nice to know you like it too and how you interpret it; I always appreciate brilliant, concise beginnings: they usually mean the whole story is well written.
And I do like Mozzie and Elizabeth, and Peter more than Neal: maybe because we, as viewers, are so obviously supposed to like charming con men...

[littleclodia.livejournal.com]

ummm sorry
i mean sorry to invade
i'm from lj, don't have a dreamwidth, just an openid, but i love your sherlock stories so much and i love reading author's notes on their fics so i couldn't possibly pass this opportunity
i hope it's okay and you know... ahem...
anyway, since "let me kiss you" was already commented on, i think i could ask you about the whore of babylon... i really wish i could read you commentary on the WHOLE FIC, i mean, i know this is totally not happening, but oh god, i'd have read it. oh yes. i'm just. i find most of the dvd and etc. audio-commentary inexplicably boooooring, but i love reading author's comments/notes on their fanfiction, that's why i half-obsessedly read comments after stories and follow the interaction between readers and authors - it sometimes gives very lovely and unique glimpses into the story. anyway, i know, i can't ask for full commentary for the story, but i still can't choose between two episodes (please, don't hate me), they are the one in the freezer and the weekend in paris. i was wondering if you could maybe choose what you'd like to comment more and then i'd post the exact paragraph...

[out_there]

Hi! The reason I posted here and not on LJ was mostly the wordcount. DW has a higher word limit for comments so it makes it easier to reply. (I'm a bit wordy.)

Hmmm. As for which one I'd prefer to comment on, that's actually a hard choice. I can give you a little background on both of them, though.

The freezer scene... It reminds me of the end of s3 Doctor Who, specifically a scene between Jack and the Doctor where they emotionally connect in the midst of end-of-the-universe problems and being trapped on different sides of thick, metal doors. This idea of people emotionally confessing and sharing because of mortal peril, as a combination of distracting themselves from the danger around them and also wanting to clarify certain things just in case they don't get a chance later.

John in this story is deeply military, very much a guy used to carrying on in the face of danger, and also not entirely comfortable with emotional scenes. He functions much better with them than Sherlock (who is rational to a ridiculous level when it suits him, and prone to sulking like a teenager at other times), but if there was a choice between talking about feelings and getting a tooth pulled, John would have to consider that decision carefully.

We see it in John's trembling hand, his PTSD, his limp in the first episode. John's far more comfortable getting up and doing than sitting around and emoting about how he feels. If you asked him about the war or getting shot, he'd half-joke about it and completely side-step emotionally discussing it. Don't get me wrong, he's an awesome guy and I love John Watson like burning, but he's not touchy-feely.

But in the freezer he's concussed and annoyed and cold, and the emotional conversation is literally a passive-aggressive way of attacking Sherlock (for getting him in the situation, for being so calm about it, and for refusing to share his gloves or scarf).

It's a conversation that stays couched in hypotheticals. John's spends so much time breaking it down to terms that Sherlock would comprehend; he tries to make it objective and clinical, and by doing so, he allows himself enough emotional distance to talk it through without feeling too embarrassed or uncomfortable.

It's one of these strange ways where John and Sherlock fit together. By trying to come to an understanding with Sherlock, somehow during that process, John realises how he himself feels about Sherlock. John doesn't like talking about emotions and love and couple-like expectations, but he and Sherlock are step-for-step together in what they want out of this (which is everything and forever. All those romantic notions that John would cringe around and Sherlock would mock for lack of rationality, that's actually how they feel about each other, but this is the first time they make the effort to discuss it).

Likewise, Paris is the first time they do something that's purely "being in a couple". It's not about cases. It's not the cosy domesticity of Baker St (which was cosy and domestic before they started sleeping together). It's them taking time out of their normal routines just to specifically spend it with each other.

I remember being on AIM with seperis when I was writing these bits. I finished the freezer scene and said how I didn't want to write any plot, I just wanted to give them a honeymoon in Paris and write something romantic and pointless and an utter waste of wordcount, and she said "Do it." With that encouragement, I did and it wasn't until the entire story came together that I realised the Paris bit needs to be there. This is the step between being friends who sleep together to becoming a couple. They already care about each other, that's obvious, but making it work long-term means adjusting and recognising that it's an "us" now.

And Paris is that step. We get to see Sherlock loving tourists and John hating it. We get to see them compromise around each other and make it work. And they get to be naked for a day. It doesn't solve all issues -- John still doesn't understand the reason for Sherlock's sexual history; Sherlock's still keeping certain truths from John, still keeping himself slightly separate -- but it's a start.

Every couple deserves to spend some time head-over-heels and lounging around naked in bed, at least at the start.

Now, if there's a specific section you'd like me to comment on, choose a 500 or so word quote and I'll give that a go. *g*