SN WIP: Homophobic - Part Ten
May. 19th, 2004 04:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
out_thereLast bit here.
***
The two o'clock 'noon' rundown passed quickly. He didn't have anything prepared, and Dan knew it, but Casey managed to fake it. The rundown rushed by in a blur of ideas, everyone offering opinions on today's stories, on which sports should be in the first ten minutes and what would be bumped to the second half of the show. Since the temps, employed to help over the Olympics, didn't actually start until tomorrow, everyone was also distracted by divvying up the extra tasks.
There was enough work to keep the office busy, people running around for most of the day. There was even enough work to keep Casey's mind focused firmly on the job, to keep his attention distracted from the curve of Dan's lips, from the graceful lines of Dan's hands. In fact, he barely noticed either of them until after the show that night.
***
The next day began with Dana asking, "So this is how we're starting mornings now?"
"I think it's a good idea," Casey replied with a grin.
She pulled off her glasses. "You don't need to keep stopping in, Casey. I'm not going to go off the deep end if I'm left to my own devices." Dana leaned back in her chair, the leather protesting slightly underneath her.
"Am I annoying you?"
Dana huffed, but kept smiling. "Your concern is sweet. A little irritating, but mainly sweet."
"So there's no problem, right?" Casey grinned and fell back into her couch. From the worrying groan the couch made, he decided not to do that again.
"My only problem is whether or not these heels are too short with this skirt, and what I'm going to order at my business lunch with Isaac."
"Business lunch?"
"Technically, it's a business dinner. At five o'clock," Dana added as she stood up and then perched on her desk. "Going over the budget again."
"Where are you going?"
"That faux-Italian place around the corner from Anthony's."
"Ah." Casey nodded, thinking about the mouth-watering lasagne there. "Is Isaac paying?"
Dana blinked at him. "What does that matter?"
Casey grinned. "If Isaac's paying, I say go for the lobster."
"And if I'm paying?"
"Hmm…" Casey paused. "Bacon carbonara. Can't go wrong with that."
Dana rolled her eyes at his straightforward solution. "Why not just say a big steak?"
"Because you don't like eating big steaks," Casey pointed out.
"Yes, I do. I was raised in a household with seven large men. We like our steaks big and bloody." Dana pulled a growling face, probably to show her carnivorous leanings, but it just made Casey laugh.
"I know you like steak, but you don't like eating steak in public."
"Oh, yeah." Dana smiled sheepishly. "I forgot about that."
"I believe your exact words were 'juicy steaks and expensive, easily stained clothes shouldn't mix.'"
"I think the same should apply to lobster," Dana said after a thought pause.
"So it's the carbonara?"
"I think so."
Casey stood up, rather pleased with himself. "For what it's worth, I think the shoes are fine."
Dana snorted softly. "Thanks."
"But I'll ask Danny to stop in and have a look. He's better at this stuff." Dana smiled brightly, and Casey was almost out of her office before he remembered something. "Hey, Dana?"
She slouched behind her desk, and sighed. "Yeah?
"Did I spend an hour quacking like a duck?"
She boggled at him for a moment, and then burst out laughing. "I totally forgot about that!" she wheezed.
"So it happened?" Casey asked, disappointed for some reason.
"Back in Dallas. Best twenty dollars I ever spent," Dana said, still sniggering. "I couldn't believe you did it for an hour."
"I can't remember it at all."
"That's probably for the best."
"Yeah," Casey agreed and headed over to his office.
***
Casey was diligently working on his script when Dan and Jeremy wandered into the office, mid-conversation.
"-are so wrong, on so many levels," Dan was saying with a wave of his hand. "You're wrong."
"Apart from the way I'm totally right," Jeremy replied.
"You're wrong."
"I'm right."
"You are totally wrong."
"Look at the tape. Compare the scores. Average it for a lifetime of playing." Jeremy pushed his glasses up, frowning at Dan. "I'm right."
"He will never equal the best."
"He will."
"Let me make this simple for you," Dan said, leaning close to Jeremy. "He will never be as good as Michael because Michael is the best. It's as simple as that."
"Your mindless hero-worship of Jordan aside…" Jeremy trailed off, as he glanced at Casey. "Are you okay, Casey? You look a bit pale."
Casey lurched to his feet, grabbing his notes. "I think I left something in Dana's office," he blurted out, walking out the door as fast as his unsteady legs could carry him. "It's important," he called back.
Behind him, he could hear Danny say something else about 'MJ' and Casey knew they were talking about Michael Jordan; he knew it. He knew it. But just for a second, just a bare fraction of time, he'd thought of Dan and Michael, and things that he shouldn't.
Casey's pulse was pounding in his ears, and his smile felt like a grotesque parody, but he just concentrated on walking through the bullpen, following the corridor around to Dana's office. To Dana's quiet, out of sight, empty office.
Once inside, he closed the door and then collapsed against the solid wood. He stood there, eyes closed and panting for breath, trying to force himself to calm down. There was no logical reason why it should freak him out so much. Just one harmless comment; one perfectly reasonable, professional, sport-based comment. Certainly no reason to panic. After all, it wasn't even related to him; it wasn't anything to do with him and Dan and intoxicating kisses.
Intoxicated kisses, he mentally corrected himself. Not intoxicating, not overwhelming; just drunk kisses that didn't mean anything. That shouldn't mean anything. That should already be forgotten. It wasn't the type of thing he should be dreaming about; it wasn't even the type of thing he should be thinking about…
But he couldn't stop thinking about it.
Not at work, obviously. At work, he was busy. His mind was occupied and Danny was just Danny: obnoxious and endearing; intelligent and articulate; witty behind a computer keyboard and charming in front of a camera. It was just Dan being himself.
The problem was when worked stopped. When Casey walked home through dark, empty streets and found himself thinking of strong shoulders and muscled arms. When he turned on the TV at home and caught the show on rerun, and then spent the rest of the show staring at Danny's lips, at Danny's mouth. When he laid awake in bed, and his mind jumbled together years of changing together; piecing together inches upon inches of bare skin, replaying half-remembered and half-dreamed kisses until he was hard and aching.
The last two nights had been filled with this obsessive lusting over Danny, and both had ended the same way. Lying in bed, jerking himself off roughly and thinking of Danny's hands, Danny's mouth, Danny's skin. Then, he'd wake up in the morning, sticky and mortified.
He'd try to do the right thing, try to think of something else; distract himself by reciting player names and game scores, but sports led him back to thoughts of Danny. In fact, almost everything led back to thoughts of Danny. Wherever he looked in his apartment, he could remember Danny laughing, Danny talking. He'd sit in the living room and remember a thousand nights of Danny sleeping on his couch. He'd stand in the kitchen and remember Danny laughing over his highly organised cupboards, mocking the neatly stacked dishes. He'd wander into his bedroom, and recall Danny helping him carry the chest of drawers in, bitching all the while about Casey's love of old, heavy furniture. Wherever he went, he couldn't escape the memories and those memories always led to thinking about Dan in a far less than friendly manner.
He'd never thought of Dana like that. He'd never have… presumed such an intimacy with her, even if it was just inside his own head. There wasn't any excuse for doing it to Dan. And just thinking about it was making Casey's face burn.
He opened his eyes, partly to distract himself but mainly to stop the thoughts of Dan's smile, and Dan's back, and Dan's thighs, and found Dana watching him from a few feet away.
"Are you okay?" she asked gently, but he wasn't able to form a glib response. Dana's brows were drawn in concern. "Casey, are you okay?"
Casey nodded and was about to tell her he was okay, he was fine, nothing to see here, but the words wouldn't come out. He should have made up some story, food poisoning from the craft table or how he was surprised by a bee… Instead, he stood there silently as Dana walked closer, holding her hand out as if he was some spooked pony, about to flee. The metaphor felt apt.
"Casey, what's wrong?" He shook his head, but she took another step closer and rested a hand on his arm. "Tell me."
"Do you think I'm gay?" he blurted out.
She froze completely, staring at him. "Gay?"
He swallowed and nodded. "Gay."
"Do I think you're gay?" Her voice rose to a squeak.
"Do you think I could be?" he asked earnestly, suddenly needing to hear her answer.
Dana watched him doubtfully. "Gay as in happy?"
"No."
"Gay as in…" Dana sighed. "Why would I think that?"
"You've known me for fifteen years, Dana. If I was gay, if there was a chance I was, you would have noticed it by now. You would have picked up on something. Noticed something." Casey realised his grip on her shoulders was probably too tight. He pried his hands off her. "Right?"
Dana took a shocky step backwards, shaking her head slightly. "I don't even…" Then she pulled herself together, looking at him firmly. "Is this the people in business affairs?"
He just stared at her.
"They've got weird ideas down there, Casey. Last time I confirmed my business expenses, one of them even suggested that I was sleeping with Isaac."
"Isaac?" That was enough of a shock to stop Casey's blind panic. "They thought you were sleeping with Isaac?"
"They inferred it."
"They're insane."
"Exactly."
Casey blinked, thinking aloud. "As if Isaac would cheat on Esther…"
Dana frowned slightly. "As if I need to sleep my way to the top," she corrected him firmly.
Casey shrugged. "That too."
"They have some funny ideas about you and Dan, but no rational person would believe them," Dana said in a comforting tone. "You can't let them get to you."
He nodded woodenly but didn't ask about the 'funny ideas'. "Yeah."
"Nobody would think you were gay, Casey." Dana smiled, obviously considering the crisis averted. "There's nothing to worry about."
The thought wasn't as comforting as it should have been. "Thanks."
***
"Casey?" He looked up and Dan continued, "You haven't been down to business affairs recently."
Casey shook his head. "No."
"Dana just mentioned that they upset you. Recently."
"She did?"
"Yeah. She suggested that I accompany you next time. Make sure they don't mess with your head too much," Dan said with a grin.
Casey's smile felt almost natural. "After all, that's your job."
Dan chuckled. "You know, that's what I told Dana."
"So next time I go down, I need you to baby-sit me?" Casey asked as he turned back to his notes.
"Either that, or just remember they're a different breed of nuts down there."
"They're a different breed of nuts?" Casey frowned. "Like macadamia?"
"Like a different level of crazy."
"Ah."
***
It was countdown. Two hours until the Olympic coverage officially started and there wasn't anything left for the New York team to do. The feeds had been checked – three times just to be certain – both shows had gone off without a hitch, and now everyone was waiting around to catch the first live screening.
Casey was considering going home.
"I think I'll go home," he said, walking back to their office.
Dan stared at him. "Kim?"
"Yeah?" Kim looked up from her desk.
"Tell Casey why he can't go home yet."
Kim started at Casey as if it was unmistakable. "The 2000 Olympics officially start in two hours. You can't go home."
"It's an opening ceremony. I can watch the repeat tomorrow," Casey pointed out reasonably.
"Dana!" Kim yelled out and Dana came dashing out of the control room, looking slightly panicked.
"Is it the feeds? I keep telling people we're going to have trouble with the feeds," Dana babbled nervously, running a hand through her soft, blonde hair.
Kim looked at her. "It's Casey," Kim deadpanned.
Dana blinked. "Casey?"
"He wants to go home," Dan supplied.
Casey groaned. "It's just the opening ceremony."
"It's the opening ceremony, Casey." Dana's sharp finger stabbed at his chest. "You have to be there."
"But I'm not there," Casey replied. "I'm here."
Dana's eyes narrowed. "If you can't be there, you should be here. Not at home."
"Opening ceremony, Dana."
"Okay, that's it," Dana declared with a wave of her hand. "You're staying here for the ceremony and you're coming with me. Let's go."
"What?"
Dana clapped her hands briskly. "Come on."
"Dana-"
"Hurry up," she said and spun on her heel. He stared after her, and she called out over her shoulder, "Come *on*, Casey."
"You realise our workplace gets nuttier every day?" Casey muttered to Dan. Dan just shrugged.
"Casey!" Dana called out impatiently.
"Fine." Casey sighed wearily and trotted after her. "I'm coming." He could hear Kim laughing behind him.
When he caught up to Dana, she asked, "Do you think there's anything wrong with the feeds?"
"You've checked them three times in the last half hour," Casey replied, following Dana into her office. "They're as good as you can make them."
"But the question is: will that be good enough?"
"That's always the question." Dana sat down on her couch, and patted the seat beside her. He sat down and asked, "Why did you need me here?"
"I decided you can keep me company."
Casey rolled his eyes. "Great."
"Well, if Natalie was here I'd be talking with her…"
"And instead, you're worrying about the feeds."
"Well, that and other things," Dana admitted with a sigh.
"I still think those shoes are fine," Casey offered, hoping to divert Dana's attention.
Dana stared at him. "This is a different pair of shoes, Casey."
"Black, short heels, closed toes. They look the same."
Dana toed one foot out of her shoe and held it up for Casey's inspection. "Totally different style. Different height and width of the heel. Very different shoes."
Casey stared at them, but really couldn't see the difference. He secretly thought that Dana, Dan and the rest of the women's shoe buying public, were a little insane. "They're black court shoes. And really, that's already more than I need to know."
Dana snorted, and put her shoe back on. "You know, I was down at business affairs earlier."
"Yeah?" Casey asked warily.
"Checking out about the new requirements for cab vouchers," Dana said airily. "You know, they mentioned that you hadn't been down there for at least a month."
"So?"
"I thought you'd been down there recently," Dana said casually, leaning back on the couch so she could see him clearly. "I was going to have strong words with them."
"Precisely what makes a word strong? How is it different from a weak word?"
"How loud I say it," Dana said firmly. "Have you been there recently?"
Casey shrugged. "Not recently…"
"But you let me believe that?"
"I never said I had."
"What's going on?" Dana scowled at him. "Fess up."
Casey smiled widely, thinking about being on-air, about announcing highlights for sports he hated. "Nothing's going on."
"Casey?"
Casey kept the smile firmly in place. "Yeah?"
"What's going on?" Dana asked softly.
"It's…" Casey closed his eyes for a long moment, but the compassionate look was still on Dana's face when he opened them. It was hard to lie to her when she looked so worried. "It's…"
"Awkward and embarrassing?" Dana offered.
"Yeah."
"*This* is the awkward and embarrassing conversation?" Dana asked, sounding a little shocked. "The drunken kiss had to do with… Wait. How does the drunken kiss relate to this?"
Casey swallowed. When he spoke, his voice was far quieter than he meant it to be. "I kissed a guy."
Dana's eyes widened. "Whoa."
Casey didn't have a clue what to say, so he just shrugged. "Yeah."
"No, I mean… whoa." Dana blinked, finally, and pushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. "A guy?"
"Yeah."
She paused, still watching him as if he'd just announced he'd once been to the moon. "You kissed a guy?"
"Yeah."
"You kissed a *guy*?"
"Yeah."
"You *kissed* a guy?"
"How many ways are you going to say that?" Casey snapped defensively.
"Until I find a way that makes sense," Dana replied.
Casey snorted humourlessly. "I don't think that's going to happen."
"Maybe not," Dana said, staring down at her hands. "Did you think it was a girl?"
"I knew he was a guy. It was pretty unmistakeable that he was a guy," Casey finished nastily.
"I was just asking. I just thought… you know…"
"The Crying Game?" Casey glared at her in disbelief. "It wasn't anything like that."
Dana grimaced. "No?"
"No."
"Then… what…" Dana trailed off and then stretched her legs out in front of her. "What the hell was it like?"
"It was…" Casey waved his hand vaguely. "It just happened. I was drunk and… I don't know, Dana."
"Huh." Dana sat there in silence for a moment. Her brow furrowed, and he wondered if he should have lied. If it would have been smarter, easier, better, to lie. "Who is he?"
"I'm not going to tell you that."
"Okay," Dana said slowly. "Is he straight?"
"No."
"You're sure?"
"He talked about an ex-boyfriend. He's not straight."
Dana nodded, taking that in. "I stand by my original reaction."
"Yeah?"
"Whoa."
Casey sighed and hunched over on the couch.
"It was just one kiss, Casey. It doesn't mean anything," Dana offered, but he could hear that she didn't believe it either. "Okay, it probably means that you shouldn't drink so much, but…"
"But it doesn't mean anything, because drunk kisses don't count," he said in a low tone.
"Point taken." She flushed, looking embarrassed. "But you were drunk and you kissed a guy. You found you didn't like it, so it doesn't mean anything. Just means you're sure that you're straight."
"But I'm not," Casey admitted quietly.
Dana's head spun around to face him. Suddenly the phrase 'eyes as wide as saucers' made sense. "You're not straight?"
"I'm not sure."
"But it was just a bad kiss, right?"
Casey took a deep breath and ordered his thoughts. "Firstly, it was more than one kiss. It was several kisses. Secondly, it wasn't bad."
"It wasn't bad?"
"It was… good," Casey admitted cautiously.
"As good as our kiss?"
Casey nodded, but didn't say it was actually better. "Thirdly… I don't know what thirdly is, but I know that this isn't how I should be reacting." Dana nodded carefully, and he continued, "I should be… I shouldn't be thinking about it, and I can't stop thinking about it. And I want…" He glared at the carpet, feeling miserable.
"Yeah?" Dana asked in a tiny voice.
Casey felt as if his chest was about to cave in. "I want to do it again."
"Huh," Dana said, and they were silent for a long while. He was stuck thinking about it, about lust and desire and the sensation of Dan's lips against his throat. He didn't want to know what Dana was thinking about.
Dana stood up and walked over to the dark window. She tapped on the glass absentmindedly. "What did you want me to say now, Casey?"
"What?"
She turned around, a slight frown on her face. "How did you think I'd react to this?"
Casey shrugged. "I don't know, I just… You asked, and…"
"What did you expect me to say?"
"I expected you to… I don't know." Casey sighed, and scrubbed a hand through his hair. "I thought you'd remind me that I'm in the wrong career for this kind of dilemma. That just thinking about being gay could kill our ratings, could ruin the show. Could destroy my career."
Dana's face was calm. "You thought I'd say that?"
Casey shrugged and looked away. "I guess."
"You thought I'd tell you that you have a contract here for another two and half years, and that as long as you work for Sports Night, you're straight?" Dana glared at him. Her voice was sharp and angry. "Sports is a profession filled with straight men. If you don't fit that bill, it's going to be hard to sell you. So if you need to figure out your sexual identity, it'll just have to wait three years until you can do it on your own time. You thought I'd say that?"
Casey nodded slightly. "Pretty much."
"You already know all that," Dana said in a gentler tone. "You don't need to be told it, Casey."
"You're right." Casey stood up, running a hand through his hair. "I do know that."
Dana sighed. "You know the realities as well as I do, but you should also know I'm not JJ. I would never tell you to change who you are just so marketing will have an easier job."
He cringed. He hadn't meant to imply she was anything like JJ and the other network sycophants. "I didn't mean-"
She cut him off. "I'm not like that. I wouldn't do that to you."
"I know, Dana."
She looked at him carefully. "Do you?"
"I do," he assured her.
"Good." Dana walked closer to him and wrapped a hand around his arm. "If you want to go ahead with this, you have to be smart about it, Casey. Make sure it isn't anyone in sports, or in media. If you're going to explore this, do it with an accountant or a sales rep. And don't tell anyone at this office."
"Anyone?"
"Anyone. Secrets this big don't stay secrets for long, and this office tends to gossip. They won't mean to, but someone will overhear something, and it'll hit the tabloids before you know it."
"What about you?"
Dana blinked. "Me?"
"Can I tell you?"
Dana looked down. "Don't."
"You already know," he pointed out.
"I'm going to pretend I don't," she said and he snorted. "Every big sporting event results in either you or Dan going a little crazy. I choose to believe that this is just another example of the stress getting to you."
"You really think that could be it?"
Dana snorted. "Knowing you and Dan? It's pretty damn likely that this is just some Olympics induced insanity and that in two weeks time, you'll both be normal again."
"That does sound pretty likely."
"Give it two weeks," Dana suggested helpfully. "Wait until all the medals are handed out. You'll probably find it's nothing."
***
***
The two o'clock 'noon' rundown passed quickly. He didn't have anything prepared, and Dan knew it, but Casey managed to fake it. The rundown rushed by in a blur of ideas, everyone offering opinions on today's stories, on which sports should be in the first ten minutes and what would be bumped to the second half of the show. Since the temps, employed to help over the Olympics, didn't actually start until tomorrow, everyone was also distracted by divvying up the extra tasks.
There was enough work to keep the office busy, people running around for most of the day. There was even enough work to keep Casey's mind focused firmly on the job, to keep his attention distracted from the curve of Dan's lips, from the graceful lines of Dan's hands. In fact, he barely noticed either of them until after the show that night.
***
The next day began with Dana asking, "So this is how we're starting mornings now?"
"I think it's a good idea," Casey replied with a grin.
She pulled off her glasses. "You don't need to keep stopping in, Casey. I'm not going to go off the deep end if I'm left to my own devices." Dana leaned back in her chair, the leather protesting slightly underneath her.
"Am I annoying you?"
Dana huffed, but kept smiling. "Your concern is sweet. A little irritating, but mainly sweet."
"So there's no problem, right?" Casey grinned and fell back into her couch. From the worrying groan the couch made, he decided not to do that again.
"My only problem is whether or not these heels are too short with this skirt, and what I'm going to order at my business lunch with Isaac."
"Business lunch?"
"Technically, it's a business dinner. At five o'clock," Dana added as she stood up and then perched on her desk. "Going over the budget again."
"Where are you going?"
"That faux-Italian place around the corner from Anthony's."
"Ah." Casey nodded, thinking about the mouth-watering lasagne there. "Is Isaac paying?"
Dana blinked at him. "What does that matter?"
Casey grinned. "If Isaac's paying, I say go for the lobster."
"And if I'm paying?"
"Hmm…" Casey paused. "Bacon carbonara. Can't go wrong with that."
Dana rolled her eyes at his straightforward solution. "Why not just say a big steak?"
"Because you don't like eating big steaks," Casey pointed out.
"Yes, I do. I was raised in a household with seven large men. We like our steaks big and bloody." Dana pulled a growling face, probably to show her carnivorous leanings, but it just made Casey laugh.
"I know you like steak, but you don't like eating steak in public."
"Oh, yeah." Dana smiled sheepishly. "I forgot about that."
"I believe your exact words were 'juicy steaks and expensive, easily stained clothes shouldn't mix.'"
"I think the same should apply to lobster," Dana said after a thought pause.
"So it's the carbonara?"
"I think so."
Casey stood up, rather pleased with himself. "For what it's worth, I think the shoes are fine."
Dana snorted softly. "Thanks."
"But I'll ask Danny to stop in and have a look. He's better at this stuff." Dana smiled brightly, and Casey was almost out of her office before he remembered something. "Hey, Dana?"
She slouched behind her desk, and sighed. "Yeah?
"Did I spend an hour quacking like a duck?"
She boggled at him for a moment, and then burst out laughing. "I totally forgot about that!" she wheezed.
"So it happened?" Casey asked, disappointed for some reason.
"Back in Dallas. Best twenty dollars I ever spent," Dana said, still sniggering. "I couldn't believe you did it for an hour."
"I can't remember it at all."
"That's probably for the best."
"Yeah," Casey agreed and headed over to his office.
***
Casey was diligently working on his script when Dan and Jeremy wandered into the office, mid-conversation.
"-are so wrong, on so many levels," Dan was saying with a wave of his hand. "You're wrong."
"Apart from the way I'm totally right," Jeremy replied.
"You're wrong."
"I'm right."
"You are totally wrong."
"Look at the tape. Compare the scores. Average it for a lifetime of playing." Jeremy pushed his glasses up, frowning at Dan. "I'm right."
"He will never equal the best."
"He will."
"Let me make this simple for you," Dan said, leaning close to Jeremy. "He will never be as good as Michael because Michael is the best. It's as simple as that."
"Your mindless hero-worship of Jordan aside…" Jeremy trailed off, as he glanced at Casey. "Are you okay, Casey? You look a bit pale."
Casey lurched to his feet, grabbing his notes. "I think I left something in Dana's office," he blurted out, walking out the door as fast as his unsteady legs could carry him. "It's important," he called back.
Behind him, he could hear Danny say something else about 'MJ' and Casey knew they were talking about Michael Jordan; he knew it. He knew it. But just for a second, just a bare fraction of time, he'd thought of Dan and Michael, and things that he shouldn't.
Casey's pulse was pounding in his ears, and his smile felt like a grotesque parody, but he just concentrated on walking through the bullpen, following the corridor around to Dana's office. To Dana's quiet, out of sight, empty office.
Once inside, he closed the door and then collapsed against the solid wood. He stood there, eyes closed and panting for breath, trying to force himself to calm down. There was no logical reason why it should freak him out so much. Just one harmless comment; one perfectly reasonable, professional, sport-based comment. Certainly no reason to panic. After all, it wasn't even related to him; it wasn't anything to do with him and Dan and intoxicating kisses.
Intoxicated kisses, he mentally corrected himself. Not intoxicating, not overwhelming; just drunk kisses that didn't mean anything. That shouldn't mean anything. That should already be forgotten. It wasn't the type of thing he should be dreaming about; it wasn't even the type of thing he should be thinking about…
But he couldn't stop thinking about it.
Not at work, obviously. At work, he was busy. His mind was occupied and Danny was just Danny: obnoxious and endearing; intelligent and articulate; witty behind a computer keyboard and charming in front of a camera. It was just Dan being himself.
The problem was when worked stopped. When Casey walked home through dark, empty streets and found himself thinking of strong shoulders and muscled arms. When he turned on the TV at home and caught the show on rerun, and then spent the rest of the show staring at Danny's lips, at Danny's mouth. When he laid awake in bed, and his mind jumbled together years of changing together; piecing together inches upon inches of bare skin, replaying half-remembered and half-dreamed kisses until he was hard and aching.
The last two nights had been filled with this obsessive lusting over Danny, and both had ended the same way. Lying in bed, jerking himself off roughly and thinking of Danny's hands, Danny's mouth, Danny's skin. Then, he'd wake up in the morning, sticky and mortified.
He'd try to do the right thing, try to think of something else; distract himself by reciting player names and game scores, but sports led him back to thoughts of Danny. In fact, almost everything led back to thoughts of Danny. Wherever he looked in his apartment, he could remember Danny laughing, Danny talking. He'd sit in the living room and remember a thousand nights of Danny sleeping on his couch. He'd stand in the kitchen and remember Danny laughing over his highly organised cupboards, mocking the neatly stacked dishes. He'd wander into his bedroom, and recall Danny helping him carry the chest of drawers in, bitching all the while about Casey's love of old, heavy furniture. Wherever he went, he couldn't escape the memories and those memories always led to thinking about Dan in a far less than friendly manner.
He'd never thought of Dana like that. He'd never have… presumed such an intimacy with her, even if it was just inside his own head. There wasn't any excuse for doing it to Dan. And just thinking about it was making Casey's face burn.
He opened his eyes, partly to distract himself but mainly to stop the thoughts of Dan's smile, and Dan's back, and Dan's thighs, and found Dana watching him from a few feet away.
"Are you okay?" she asked gently, but he wasn't able to form a glib response. Dana's brows were drawn in concern. "Casey, are you okay?"
Casey nodded and was about to tell her he was okay, he was fine, nothing to see here, but the words wouldn't come out. He should have made up some story, food poisoning from the craft table or how he was surprised by a bee… Instead, he stood there silently as Dana walked closer, holding her hand out as if he was some spooked pony, about to flee. The metaphor felt apt.
"Casey, what's wrong?" He shook his head, but she took another step closer and rested a hand on his arm. "Tell me."
"Do you think I'm gay?" he blurted out.
She froze completely, staring at him. "Gay?"
He swallowed and nodded. "Gay."
"Do I think you're gay?" Her voice rose to a squeak.
"Do you think I could be?" he asked earnestly, suddenly needing to hear her answer.
Dana watched him doubtfully. "Gay as in happy?"
"No."
"Gay as in…" Dana sighed. "Why would I think that?"
"You've known me for fifteen years, Dana. If I was gay, if there was a chance I was, you would have noticed it by now. You would have picked up on something. Noticed something." Casey realised his grip on her shoulders was probably too tight. He pried his hands off her. "Right?"
Dana took a shocky step backwards, shaking her head slightly. "I don't even…" Then she pulled herself together, looking at him firmly. "Is this the people in business affairs?"
He just stared at her.
"They've got weird ideas down there, Casey. Last time I confirmed my business expenses, one of them even suggested that I was sleeping with Isaac."
"Isaac?" That was enough of a shock to stop Casey's blind panic. "They thought you were sleeping with Isaac?"
"They inferred it."
"They're insane."
"Exactly."
Casey blinked, thinking aloud. "As if Isaac would cheat on Esther…"
Dana frowned slightly. "As if I need to sleep my way to the top," she corrected him firmly.
Casey shrugged. "That too."
"They have some funny ideas about you and Dan, but no rational person would believe them," Dana said in a comforting tone. "You can't let them get to you."
He nodded woodenly but didn't ask about the 'funny ideas'. "Yeah."
"Nobody would think you were gay, Casey." Dana smiled, obviously considering the crisis averted. "There's nothing to worry about."
The thought wasn't as comforting as it should have been. "Thanks."
***
"Casey?" He looked up and Dan continued, "You haven't been down to business affairs recently."
Casey shook his head. "No."
"Dana just mentioned that they upset you. Recently."
"She did?"
"Yeah. She suggested that I accompany you next time. Make sure they don't mess with your head too much," Dan said with a grin.
Casey's smile felt almost natural. "After all, that's your job."
Dan chuckled. "You know, that's what I told Dana."
"So next time I go down, I need you to baby-sit me?" Casey asked as he turned back to his notes.
"Either that, or just remember they're a different breed of nuts down there."
"They're a different breed of nuts?" Casey frowned. "Like macadamia?"
"Like a different level of crazy."
"Ah."
***
It was countdown. Two hours until the Olympic coverage officially started and there wasn't anything left for the New York team to do. The feeds had been checked – three times just to be certain – both shows had gone off without a hitch, and now everyone was waiting around to catch the first live screening.
Casey was considering going home.
"I think I'll go home," he said, walking back to their office.
Dan stared at him. "Kim?"
"Yeah?" Kim looked up from her desk.
"Tell Casey why he can't go home yet."
Kim started at Casey as if it was unmistakable. "The 2000 Olympics officially start in two hours. You can't go home."
"It's an opening ceremony. I can watch the repeat tomorrow," Casey pointed out reasonably.
"Dana!" Kim yelled out and Dana came dashing out of the control room, looking slightly panicked.
"Is it the feeds? I keep telling people we're going to have trouble with the feeds," Dana babbled nervously, running a hand through her soft, blonde hair.
Kim looked at her. "It's Casey," Kim deadpanned.
Dana blinked. "Casey?"
"He wants to go home," Dan supplied.
Casey groaned. "It's just the opening ceremony."
"It's the opening ceremony, Casey." Dana's sharp finger stabbed at his chest. "You have to be there."
"But I'm not there," Casey replied. "I'm here."
Dana's eyes narrowed. "If you can't be there, you should be here. Not at home."
"Opening ceremony, Dana."
"Okay, that's it," Dana declared with a wave of her hand. "You're staying here for the ceremony and you're coming with me. Let's go."
"What?"
Dana clapped her hands briskly. "Come on."
"Dana-"
"Hurry up," she said and spun on her heel. He stared after her, and she called out over her shoulder, "Come *on*, Casey."
"You realise our workplace gets nuttier every day?" Casey muttered to Dan. Dan just shrugged.
"Casey!" Dana called out impatiently.
"Fine." Casey sighed wearily and trotted after her. "I'm coming." He could hear Kim laughing behind him.
When he caught up to Dana, she asked, "Do you think there's anything wrong with the feeds?"
"You've checked them three times in the last half hour," Casey replied, following Dana into her office. "They're as good as you can make them."
"But the question is: will that be good enough?"
"That's always the question." Dana sat down on her couch, and patted the seat beside her. He sat down and asked, "Why did you need me here?"
"I decided you can keep me company."
Casey rolled his eyes. "Great."
"Well, if Natalie was here I'd be talking with her…"
"And instead, you're worrying about the feeds."
"Well, that and other things," Dana admitted with a sigh.
"I still think those shoes are fine," Casey offered, hoping to divert Dana's attention.
Dana stared at him. "This is a different pair of shoes, Casey."
"Black, short heels, closed toes. They look the same."
Dana toed one foot out of her shoe and held it up for Casey's inspection. "Totally different style. Different height and width of the heel. Very different shoes."
Casey stared at them, but really couldn't see the difference. He secretly thought that Dana, Dan and the rest of the women's shoe buying public, were a little insane. "They're black court shoes. And really, that's already more than I need to know."
Dana snorted, and put her shoe back on. "You know, I was down at business affairs earlier."
"Yeah?" Casey asked warily.
"Checking out about the new requirements for cab vouchers," Dana said airily. "You know, they mentioned that you hadn't been down there for at least a month."
"So?"
"I thought you'd been down there recently," Dana said casually, leaning back on the couch so she could see him clearly. "I was going to have strong words with them."
"Precisely what makes a word strong? How is it different from a weak word?"
"How loud I say it," Dana said firmly. "Have you been there recently?"
Casey shrugged. "Not recently…"
"But you let me believe that?"
"I never said I had."
"What's going on?" Dana scowled at him. "Fess up."
Casey smiled widely, thinking about being on-air, about announcing highlights for sports he hated. "Nothing's going on."
"Casey?"
Casey kept the smile firmly in place. "Yeah?"
"What's going on?" Dana asked softly.
"It's…" Casey closed his eyes for a long moment, but the compassionate look was still on Dana's face when he opened them. It was hard to lie to her when she looked so worried. "It's…"
"Awkward and embarrassing?" Dana offered.
"Yeah."
"*This* is the awkward and embarrassing conversation?" Dana asked, sounding a little shocked. "The drunken kiss had to do with… Wait. How does the drunken kiss relate to this?"
Casey swallowed. When he spoke, his voice was far quieter than he meant it to be. "I kissed a guy."
Dana's eyes widened. "Whoa."
Casey didn't have a clue what to say, so he just shrugged. "Yeah."
"No, I mean… whoa." Dana blinked, finally, and pushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. "A guy?"
"Yeah."
She paused, still watching him as if he'd just announced he'd once been to the moon. "You kissed a guy?"
"Yeah."
"You kissed a *guy*?"
"Yeah."
"You *kissed* a guy?"
"How many ways are you going to say that?" Casey snapped defensively.
"Until I find a way that makes sense," Dana replied.
Casey snorted humourlessly. "I don't think that's going to happen."
"Maybe not," Dana said, staring down at her hands. "Did you think it was a girl?"
"I knew he was a guy. It was pretty unmistakeable that he was a guy," Casey finished nastily.
"I was just asking. I just thought… you know…"
"The Crying Game?" Casey glared at her in disbelief. "It wasn't anything like that."
Dana grimaced. "No?"
"No."
"Then… what…" Dana trailed off and then stretched her legs out in front of her. "What the hell was it like?"
"It was…" Casey waved his hand vaguely. "It just happened. I was drunk and… I don't know, Dana."
"Huh." Dana sat there in silence for a moment. Her brow furrowed, and he wondered if he should have lied. If it would have been smarter, easier, better, to lie. "Who is he?"
"I'm not going to tell you that."
"Okay," Dana said slowly. "Is he straight?"
"No."
"You're sure?"
"He talked about an ex-boyfriend. He's not straight."
Dana nodded, taking that in. "I stand by my original reaction."
"Yeah?"
"Whoa."
Casey sighed and hunched over on the couch.
"It was just one kiss, Casey. It doesn't mean anything," Dana offered, but he could hear that she didn't believe it either. "Okay, it probably means that you shouldn't drink so much, but…"
"But it doesn't mean anything, because drunk kisses don't count," he said in a low tone.
"Point taken." She flushed, looking embarrassed. "But you were drunk and you kissed a guy. You found you didn't like it, so it doesn't mean anything. Just means you're sure that you're straight."
"But I'm not," Casey admitted quietly.
Dana's head spun around to face him. Suddenly the phrase 'eyes as wide as saucers' made sense. "You're not straight?"
"I'm not sure."
"But it was just a bad kiss, right?"
Casey took a deep breath and ordered his thoughts. "Firstly, it was more than one kiss. It was several kisses. Secondly, it wasn't bad."
"It wasn't bad?"
"It was… good," Casey admitted cautiously.
"As good as our kiss?"
Casey nodded, but didn't say it was actually better. "Thirdly… I don't know what thirdly is, but I know that this isn't how I should be reacting." Dana nodded carefully, and he continued, "I should be… I shouldn't be thinking about it, and I can't stop thinking about it. And I want…" He glared at the carpet, feeling miserable.
"Yeah?" Dana asked in a tiny voice.
Casey felt as if his chest was about to cave in. "I want to do it again."
"Huh," Dana said, and they were silent for a long while. He was stuck thinking about it, about lust and desire and the sensation of Dan's lips against his throat. He didn't want to know what Dana was thinking about.
Dana stood up and walked over to the dark window. She tapped on the glass absentmindedly. "What did you want me to say now, Casey?"
"What?"
She turned around, a slight frown on her face. "How did you think I'd react to this?"
Casey shrugged. "I don't know, I just… You asked, and…"
"What did you expect me to say?"
"I expected you to… I don't know." Casey sighed, and scrubbed a hand through his hair. "I thought you'd remind me that I'm in the wrong career for this kind of dilemma. That just thinking about being gay could kill our ratings, could ruin the show. Could destroy my career."
Dana's face was calm. "You thought I'd say that?"
Casey shrugged and looked away. "I guess."
"You thought I'd tell you that you have a contract here for another two and half years, and that as long as you work for Sports Night, you're straight?" Dana glared at him. Her voice was sharp and angry. "Sports is a profession filled with straight men. If you don't fit that bill, it's going to be hard to sell you. So if you need to figure out your sexual identity, it'll just have to wait three years until you can do it on your own time. You thought I'd say that?"
Casey nodded slightly. "Pretty much."
"You already know all that," Dana said in a gentler tone. "You don't need to be told it, Casey."
"You're right." Casey stood up, running a hand through his hair. "I do know that."
Dana sighed. "You know the realities as well as I do, but you should also know I'm not JJ. I would never tell you to change who you are just so marketing will have an easier job."
He cringed. He hadn't meant to imply she was anything like JJ and the other network sycophants. "I didn't mean-"
She cut him off. "I'm not like that. I wouldn't do that to you."
"I know, Dana."
She looked at him carefully. "Do you?"
"I do," he assured her.
"Good." Dana walked closer to him and wrapped a hand around his arm. "If you want to go ahead with this, you have to be smart about it, Casey. Make sure it isn't anyone in sports, or in media. If you're going to explore this, do it with an accountant or a sales rep. And don't tell anyone at this office."
"Anyone?"
"Anyone. Secrets this big don't stay secrets for long, and this office tends to gossip. They won't mean to, but someone will overhear something, and it'll hit the tabloids before you know it."
"What about you?"
Dana blinked. "Me?"
"Can I tell you?"
Dana looked down. "Don't."
"You already know," he pointed out.
"I'm going to pretend I don't," she said and he snorted. "Every big sporting event results in either you or Dan going a little crazy. I choose to believe that this is just another example of the stress getting to you."
"You really think that could be it?"
Dana snorted. "Knowing you and Dan? It's pretty damn likely that this is just some Olympics induced insanity and that in two weeks time, you'll both be normal again."
"That does sound pretty likely."
"Give it two weeks," Dana suggested helpfully. "Wait until all the medals are handed out. You'll probably find it's nothing."
***
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-05-19 01:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-19 01:31 pm (UTC)So thick, you could cut it with a knife! *G*
But yay for Dana for being so supportive after her minor (yet totally expected) freak out.
Yeah. I still say the Casey-Dana friendship totally rocks. I love the scene in Mary Pat Shelby (or the ep after) with Casey telling her that Natalie knows Dana; that like him, she knows that Dana will do the right thing.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-19 09:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-19 01:39 pm (UTC)*sniggers* It sounds like the place just between the third and fourth circle of hell... Mmmm... nice and toasty!
no subject
Date: 2004-05-19 02:49 pm (UTC)*loves you*
no subject
Date: 2004-05-19 04:25 pm (UTC)I have that little voice in the back of my head (someone termed it a Fraud Muse, I think) pointing out that I'm losing control of the fic, that I'm getting distracted with little conversations and new ideas, that it'll end up being a schamozzle...
So it's very reassuring to hear that it's not, y'know, just distracting and annoying.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-19 04:05 pm (UTC)Quite apart from being sexeh as all get-out, that's a really lovely descriptive passage.
Enjoyed Dana's reaction - from incredulous to supportive in 60 seconds. Exactly the reaction you'd hope she'd have, with extra shrieking thrown in for our entertainment.
The 'Michael' thing was a nice touch, too. Casey's really got it bad, he'll be writing Danny's name all over his pencil case next ("Casey + Danny 4 evah!").
Sooner or later, if he's serious about this, he's going to have to ponder the practicalities of gay sex. 'Cos there's a lot more to it than just kissing, and he -
Oh no, I can't believe I'm really going to say this ...
- might find it a bit hard to swallow.
(I said it. I'm so ashamed.)
no subject
Date: 2004-05-19 04:15 pm (UTC)Thank you. Just goes to show that spend an hour on the train each day can be put to good use.
Enjoyed Dana's reaction - from incredulous to supportive in 60 seconds. Exactly the reaction you'd hope she'd have, with extra shrieking thrown in for our entertainment.
*hearts Dana* I'm such a Dana fangirl its kinda sad... *g*
The 'Michael' thing was a nice touch, too.
I wasn't sure if it would be too obvious, but I thought it would just be random enough to freak Casey out. It's one thing having all of your spare time taken up by lusting over Dan. It's another to have it suddenly pounce on you at work.
Casey's really got it bad, he'll be writing Danny's name all over his pencil case next ("Casey + Danny 4 evah!").
*snerk* Yeah, or maybe in the margins of his script. Suddenly find little CM4DR scribbled on the margins, and have to explain that it was some cryptic reference to a score...
Sooner or later, if he's serious about this, he's going to have to ponder the practicalities of gay sex. 'Cos there's a lot more to it than just kissing, and he -
Oh no, I can't believe I'm really going to say this ...
- might find it a bit hard to swallow.
(I said it. I'm so ashamed.)
Bwahahahahaa! Oh, the bad pun. Totally cracked me up.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-08 09:39 pm (UTC)Poor confused Casey.
I love Dana, she goes from being freaked out to insulted to concerned and supportive in about a minute.
I also love how Casey and Dan are both in denial about this, but for opposite reasons.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-10 03:02 am (UTC)She's the emotional equivalent of a rollercoaster. *g*
Thanks for commenting on it as you read. I really appreciated the specific comments on Dan, Casey and Dana. I love all three of them, so I'm glad that you enjoyed the characterisation of them.
Hopefully, you'll like the rest just as much!
no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 06:29 am (UTC)"Yeah."
"You kissed a *guy*?"
"Yeah."
"You *kissed* a guy?"
"How many ways are you going to say that?" Casey snapped defensively.
"Until I find a way that makes sense," Dana replied.
Casey snorted humourlessly. "I don't think that's going to happen."
Another great, Sports-Nighty exchange. You do these very well!
If you're going to explore this, do it with an accountant or a sales rep.
That made me laugh - I'm an accountant (though I work mostly in another field these days) and I always get a giggle out of references like this. It seems that we are always considered safe!
That's it for tonight - looking forward to reading the rest!
no subject
Date: 2004-09-30 03:50 am (UTC)*beams* Thank you (again!).
That made me laugh - I'm an accountant (though I work mostly in another field these days) and I always get a giggle out of references like this. It seems that we are always considered safe!
*snerk* Actually, I'm currently studying an accounting degree, as is